MORE ON THE SCOOP

 

 

 

 

Okay...TODAY I feel okay to write some more. My son Eric has been visiting us for the last 10 days or so...he is staying with his best friend a couple of houses away...I love the fact that my children are pursuing life the way they see it... but lately I am getting a bit annoyed with my son. It is a terrible thing to admit...but we have always had dogs...I love our pets... they are a part of our family. But my son Eric has become very rude and nasty towards our pets...claiming how much he hates them all and so on. I will not write exactly what he said word for word because it disgusts me...but my philosophy at this point is...if you do not like it here ...do not let the door hit your backside on the way out. I have noticed what a holier than thou attitude he has ... like how we live or what we should be doing...go figure...this coming from a kid that cannot keep a job longer then 2 months...because he feels he knows better then everyone else. If he ever wanted to tick me off he has... it is better he just stays at his friend's house for a while.

Well that felt good to vent....my daughter went out today to fill out applications for a summer job. She is so cute about it all. I really hope she gets a job..I think it will do her a world of good to get out and make some play money for herself.

My hunnie got the results back from cat scan. They found two things: Nasal ferengeneal cyst, and definite signs from the blood vessels in his head that he has been suffering from severe chronic migraines for a very long time. So they are sending him to two specialists (a neurologist and a ENT) so I guess more tests and more waiting.

I have met many people who are agoraphobic and suffers from the same illness as me and such that I decided to start a healing and support forum. It is called PEACEFUL MOMENTS I hope you all will at least check it out.....and PLEASE feel free to pass the link on to others...I would so appreciate it.

I have also discovered in my time away that people I thought were friends...were only friends as long as everything was superficial...BUT if me being sick interfered then they were gone. It really has sickened me to know that there are such people out there. I have come to discover that I have a handful of friends that are WONDERFUL and really have gone out of their way to be there for me. I have three friends from high school that we are still in touch...after 28 years--we still keep in touch and they are so down to earth and true to themselves. I also have this GLORIOUS friend Marilyn that I met online many years ago... that has been a true light in a very dark tunnel. She has done her utmost to make me laugh and feel like I am not alone..WOW...how blessed can I be.

Next time I hope to have some pictures uploaded so that I can show you all some more stuffies about life here....I think I am going to go rest for now..my joints are starting to hurt. Remember to HUG someone you LOVE.

PEACE!!!!

MISSING IN ACTION-BUT BACK AGAIN

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello One And All-

Yes again I disappeared...somewhat intentionally somewhat in despair...I needed timeout for me...I do not know how long I will be about...I wanted to write today for alot of reasons which eventually I will get into...but I felt sort of lonely today and thought writing might help. I have been doing LOTS of thinking (I know you all could smell the hair burning) and I have also been trying to deal with me and the world around me. It does sound so dramatic but it is true. Perhaps I have been on a self pity party...but at this point I am tired of being strong and trying to stay positive for appearance sake.
I have had so many ups and downs...and just when I thought it would be ok to come back and write some more...I could not. I could not find the courage from within to sit and write what was going on in my head because I did not understand it - I still do not understand it...but TODAY I am more accepting of that. It has taken me this long to accept that I am down...depressed and not the same person I was before I became ill. I know that I am tired of trying to pretend that everything is ok because it isn't. I have not been to the psychiatrist since January...I just cannot get myself to conjure up enough courage to go just to be seen for 45 seconds for him to say, "How are you?" and me say, "The same"...and then he writes out the prescriptions for another month. I just cannot do it....I am being kept drugged up and nothing is working. I am not getting any better...but he is getting paid a pretty penny or two for those words of wisdom. I know I was getting worse because the thought of taking my own life invaded my mind 24/7. I am just tired of the pain and tired of being me. But TODAY I am ok...so that is saying alot.

A very nice lady that I met through one of the groups that I belong to committed suicide friday when her husband left her. That kind of woke me up abit...I never think of my hunnie and my kids because the devastation I feel from the pain and hopelessness seems to push those thoughts away.
But TODAY I am ok...so I am going with that feeling for as long as it lasts.

I turned 46 on March 2nd. The best gift I got was one of my sons (Eric) called me from his job and sang Happy Birthday to me...that was just so awesome...the year before he forgot my birthday so of course he had to do something I would remember for sure and it worked. There is a quote I saw that said: "I am not 40 something, I am 39.95 plus tax" Now that I can live with...LOL.

I have been working abit on my artist trading cards...I am finding that it is a bit theraputic. I also have been writing alot of poetry and making more scrapbook pages...so I am keeping busy somewhat. My twin boys turned 21 on March 28th. WOW...now that made me feel old. My son AJ (Allen jr) is in the Army and is graduating on May 5th. My hunnie is going to the graduation and taking pictures...I just cannot go...too much fear for me. After graduation he has 12 weeks of training in whatever field it is he has chosen and then he gets to go back home. After that we have not heard anything. My son Eric is getting ready to enter the marines or army...he has not made a definite choice yet. I guess he is waiting on the best offer, sort of speak. I am sure by the summer he will probably be entering in the armed services. I only wish the best for both of them. They seem to follow the same paths...it is interesting to say the least. My daughter has been dating a cutie...very nice young man. He is just head over heels for her and treats her like royalty...it is too cute. She has about 6 weeks of school left and then she out for the summer.Here they get out of school around the third week of May....But they start school one week into august.

My hunnie is doing good. He has been suffering from severe migraine headaches for quite sometime now. They have been trying different kinds of medication on him to see if they can find a combination that works. He had a cat scan done last thursday so we are waiting on the results from that. Keep a postive thought for him. He is still working in corrections...but only has three years left I think until retirement...I cannot wait for that. The state has become a very political place to work and just the back stabbing could drive someone to an early grave. I cannot wait until he is out of that insanity.

Presently we are redoing our dinning room to make it into our computer room...we need more space and I want to add a crafts table with my computer so that everything I need is right around me. It is a slow process here but it is coming along. At least we got rid of alot of junk so that is something.

My parents are doing ok living down south. I have not been to their place yet. My daughter spent days there (spring break) and she had a great time. Of course they spoiled her...but she is their life. My brother and his family and my sister and hers invite my parents to all sorts of activities so they are keeping them busy. I am glad that at least my parents are spending time with their grandchildren and great grand children...they needed that.
Well I shall be back...so much to say and not enough time to say it in...
Take Care Dear Friends
PEACE!!!

JUST DROPPING A LINE

Hi One and All----yes believe it or not - it is me again....I cannot promise how long I will be here but for this moment I am here. First I want to THANK all of you that have written to me and/or left comments and such.

I wish I could respond but my mind is just too stressed and confused to do anything in order or simply. I have been in a downward spin for quite some time now....I think that happens or is expected when one is severely depressed. I know I am but right now I do not have the emotional strength to pull myself out of it.

I have been to doctors...I am tired of pills, I am tired of talking to doctors....
Right now the only thing I can do is cry...and worry and think way tooooo much.
I am not laying this on anyone....but since it is my journal...and I can say what is on my mind then people have the right to read it or not...

I must sound like I am feeling sorry for myself and pathetic....but right now emotionally there is nothing left in me. Trust me there have been some close calls to giving up and that scares me to death. The ONLY thing keeping me alive is my hunnie and my daughter...that is it. Pathetic aren't I?

Sorry I cannot be more cheerful or fill you in on a funny story....because nothing is funny. Nothing is worth talking about.

I have tried to stay creative so that it keeps my mind busy...but that is slowly fading away....
On top of all this...I know I have mentioned that I have anxiety attacks about going out...well I do not answer phones and I do not go to the door....I have not seen the front of my house in quite a while.I cannot take care of anything including myself.

I will say I tired just plain tired...and I do not know how to get happy.

Sorry to be bringing anyone down...I do not mean to...just sharing where my head has been at and why I have not written in my journal for quite some time. It is hard for me to sit here and type about me...or just plain type...but I thought I owed you all a HELLO and an explanation about me.

I have been keeping up with everyone's journal...I just do not leave comments...I am at a loss for words.

Please remember to HUG someone you LOVE....See you on the flip side!!!!
PEACE!!!

TEN STEPS TO GOAL GETTING

 

 

 

 

 

 

TEN STEPS TO GOAL GETTING
These ten steps will help you achieve your goals in 2006.
 
1. Make the commitment to reach your goal. "One person with a commitment is worth a hundred who only have an interest." Mary Crowley.

2. Commit yourself to detailed accountability. Record your progress toward your goals every night, and list the six most important things you need to do the next day. Daily discipline is the key to reaching your goals.

3. Build your life on a solid foundation of honesty, character, integrity, trust, love, and loyalty. This foundation will give you an honest shot at reaching any goal you have set properly.

4. Break your intermediate and long-range goals into increments.
 
5. Be prepared to change. You can't control the weather, inflation, interest rates, Wall Street, etc. Change your decision to move toward a goal carefully--but be willing to change your direction to get there as conditions and circumstances demand.

6. Share your "give-up" goals (i.e., give up smoking, being rude, procrastinating, being late, eating too much, etc.) with many people. Chances are excellent they're goingto encourage you.

7. Become a team player. Remember: You can have everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want.

8. See the reaching. In your imagination see yourself receiving that diploma, getting that job or promotion, making that speech, moving into the home of your dreams, achieving that weight-loss goal, etc.

9. Each time you reach a goal your confidence will grow so that you can do bigger and better things. After accomplishing any goal, record it in your journal, Weekly Planner or Palm Pilot.

10. Remember, what you get by reaching your destination isn't nearly as important as what you become by reaching your goals--what you will become is the winner you were born to be!

Hug Someone You LOVE
PEACE!!!!

PHOTO GALLERY

Did I forget to mention that my picture has been displayed for the last at least month in the journal main page...go figure...I was sure it would have been taken down early for scaring the daylights out of AOL members but I am still there....

I have received some really nice emails just to say hi and all...really surprises me...I do not know why but it does....

All is moving along here...still trying to pick myself up by my boot straps and keep positive but I have found it to be a very difficult and long road.

But I refuse to complain right at this moment because I am sure it has bored most of you by now....so I just wanted to say Hi and tell you that I am still alive and I hope to get moving forward with my life soon...taking things one minute at a time!

Hug someone you LOVE

PEACE!!!!

ADVICE FOR YOUR JOURNAL

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who would allow you to totally ignore, abuse, laugh with, swear at, shed tears on, get angry at and be totally honest with him/her? Your journal does.

Your journal is an unconditional friend. It does not reject, manipulate, judge, laugh at or ridicule you. It’s always there for you. So be honest with your best friend and it will help you discover who you are.

"The positive thing about writing is that you connect with yourself in the deepest way, and that's heaven. You get a chance to know who you are, to know what you think. You begin to have a relationship with your mind."

-- Natalie Goldberg

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