Thursday, September 20, 2007

WOW--SHE IS 18

 
 
I should have entered this yesterday---but storms and heavy downpours of rain prevented me from getting online....it has been that way pretty much since the weekend...LOTS AND LOTS of rain....they say we need to fill the aquaduct because now there have been nightly news reports of sinkholes happening all over....but rain seems to just add a dismal feeling to the air---and not being able to get online to pass the time adds a gloom....::sniff sniff::
If you want to see the entry I did of her birthday last year just click here-->17 YEARS OLD.
 
So my BEAUTIFUL daughter has turned the BIG AND OFFICIAL 18 YEARS OLD.
All I can say is WOW-WOW-WOW-WOW!!!!
With every day that passes-she still amazes me....She has a wonderful and crazy sense of humor....so very creative....so compassionate....so loyal.....so open minded...I am amazed and proud of the woman she has become...I could not ask for better--She has such dreams, so many things she wants to do and explore...I just know that with her determination-she will succeed at anything she sets her mind to.
I decided to show a couple of pics....the first one is of my grandmother--Crystalyn's great grandmother holding both Crystalyn and Joshua for the first time...my grandmother was 90 at that time...Crystalyn and Joshua had been home from the hospital maybe a week at themost...here they only weigh 4 pounds each...they are dressed in Premie cabbage patch doll outfits that every time you picked them up the clothes would fall right off....now that was crazy to handle...
 
 
This is Crystalyn now....ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL and just the APPLE OF MY EYE...truly I never thought this day would come....it has been a WONDERFUL 18 years...full of everything that life has to offer....I so look forward to more!!!
 
 
HAPPY BIRTHDAY CRYSTALYN ROSE....I LOVE YOU MORE THEN YOU WILL EVER KNOW!!!
YOU ARE THE REASON I WAS BORN!
I WISH YOU ENOUGH ALWAYS!!!!
 
Remember to hug those you LOVE.....PEACE!!!
 

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

FIGHTING THE DEMONS AND LOSING

 
 
Have I mentioned anytime recently that the demons are fighting back bigger than ever....usually I do not like starting an entry on a downer---people do not like reading journals that are downers...but I am TRULY too tired emotionally and physically to fight the urge not to write about it....I know my entries are sporadic....I usually do not write when the "demons" are going strong....but it has reached a point that I am losing now...I have been fighting for 7 years this damn disease and the affects of the medications and giving up the life I once had....been fighting daily the battles....but I am no longer winning.
 
I seem to have more things to worry about and I am tired of that too---I have noticed that this bulge has appeared on my stomach---it is the size of a cantaloupe and hurts to be touched...the only time I am aware of it is when I cough or someone touches it....scares the life out of me...nothing I can do about it...but that is another story.....and now my kidneys feel like they have been through a 15 round fight and I lost....my back is killing me...I actually surprised my hunnie and daughter a couple of days ago and said LET'S GO OUT AND EAT....they were so happy I wanted out of the house...so we went to Denny's I ordered a steak dinner---so delicious....but after about 45 minutes of being there...my back was screaming to get out of there....tears just started streaming down my face....my daughter helped me out to the car and there I stayed....I told Allen to take his time finishing up....the car seats help alleviate some of the pain--so I was ok. Well yesterday I again told them that I wanted to go out....to our favorite Chinese restaurant....but after eating for about 20 minutes FORGET IT--I had to go back and sit in the car....the pain was unreal. Once everyone was done eating and we got home---I just cried for the rest of the night.....I thought I had hit a mile stone because-Finally my head was ok to go out and but now my back is not going for it....believe it or not it just SCARES the HELL out of me....I know that Allen is sick and tired of all this.....he has become extremely irritated by it all....I am sure he feels helpless...but in his frustration--I am alone...now who do I turn to? The doctor I have for my lungs is sweetheart...and at the beginning of our long "relationship" with my illness...he was very understanding and took care of whatever my body was going through---but something has happened...because he is NO LONGER doing that....he actually made me feel stupid when I asked him about Klonopin which is what I was taking to take the edge off the anxiety so that I can get out without freaking.....he said FORGET IT...he does not involve himself in other issues...(news to me)...for the first time...I truly felt hurt by him because for the last 7 years he has helped me through everything...As a matter of fact I did have an appointment with him a week ago...but I cancelled it and rescheduled...WHY BOTHER GOING???? I am just going to be given the SAME DAMN MEDS as I have been taking for the last 7 years...7 years of prednisone...which helps me breathe but kills the rest of your body organs, adavair (another steroid) that helps me to breathe but also kills vital healthy cells and the list goes on.....and going - there is no use in trying to tell him how I feel because nothing will change....the lower back problem - I will be told - is not an issue for him.....well maybe it is because of all the steroids I take....but I guess he does not see it that way.
 
Again--I am freaking crying because I am LOST....and so very fed up with being sick.....I HATE IT!!!! I want my old body and my old life back!!!! My back is not working....my legs are not working, my head seems to leading it's own rampage, my skin looks like I have been through a war zone (sores and boils everywhere)--then my family looks at me and wonders why the HELL am I depressed...GEEEEZZZ!!!
Well I am making myself sick just writing all this---but I had to get it out--this is my last refuge...I have no friends here in my real life---just my hunnie and daughter--and they are tired of it all....life is not easy when you are around me...I will return with what is going on otherwise later---just gotta go for now.
Remember to HUG those you LOVE!!!
PEACE!!!
 

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

IT HAS BEEN SIX YEARS

It has been Six Years .... to me it seems like yesterday...Words still cannot express what I was thinking at the time I saw the towers get hit....words still escape me...Here is my lil tribute to that horrific day...Say a prayer for all those that perished...for those that tried to rescue, for all that have been affected by such insanity....Pray for those that are still suffering and fighting for our freedom to NOT fear.

TWO THOUSAND ONE, NINE ELEVEN (2001-911)

  Two thousand one, nine eleven
  Three thousand plus arrive in heaven
  As they pass through the gate,
  Thousands more appear in wait
  A bearded man with stovepipe hat
  Steps forward saying, "Lets sit, lets chat"

  They settle down in seats of clouds
  A man named Martin shouts out proud
  "I have a dream!" and once he did
  The Newcomer said, "Your dream still lives."

  Groups of soldiers in blue and gray
  Others in khaki, and green then say
  "We're from Bull Run, Yorktown, the Maine"
  The Newcomer said, "You died not in vain."

  From a man on sticks one could hear
  "The only thing we have to fear.
  The Newcomer said, "We know the rest,
  Trust us sir, we've passed that test."

  "Courage doesn't hide in caves
  You can't bury freedom, in a grave,"
  The Newcomers had heard this voice before
  A distinct Yankees twang from Hyannisport shores

  A silence fell within the mist
  Somehow the Newcomer knew that this
  Meant time had come for her to say
  What was in the hearts of the five thousand plus that day

  "Back on Earth, we wrote reports,
  Watched our children play in sports
  Worked our gardens, sang our songs
  Went to church and clipped coupons
  We smiled, we laughed, we cried, we fought
  Unlike you, great we're not"

  The tall man in the stovepipe hat
  Stood and said, "Don't talk like that!
  Look at your country, look and see
  You died for freedom, just like me"

  Then, before them all appeared a scene
  Of rumbled streets and twisted beams
  Death, destruction, smoke and dust
  And people working just 'cause they must

  Hauling ash, lifting stones,
  Knee deep in hell, but not alone
  "Look! Blackman, Whiteman, Brownman, Yellowman
  Side by side helping their fellow man!"

  So said Martin, as he watched the scene
  "Even from nightmares, can be born a dream."

  Down below three firemen raised
  The colors high into ashen haze
  The soldiers above had seen it before
  On Iwo Jima back in '45

  The man on sticks studied everything closely
  Then shared his perceptions on what he saw mostly
  "I see pain, I see tears,
  I see sorrow -- but I don't see fear."

  "You left behind husbands and wives
  Daughters and sons and so many lives
  Are suffering now because of this wrong
  But look very closely. You're not really gone.

  All of those people, even those who've never met you
  All of their lives, they'll never forget you
  Don't you see what has happened?
  Don't you see what you've done?
  You've brought them together, together as one.

  With that the man in the stovepipe hat said
  "Take my hand," and from there he led
  Three thousand plus heroes, Newcomers to heaven
  On this day, two thousand one, nine eleven

  Author UNKNOWN
 
 
 
WE ARE ONE
 
As the soot and dirt and ash rained down,
We became one color.
As we carried each other down the stairs
of the burning building,
We became one class.
As we lit candles of waiting and hope,
We became one generation.
As the firefighters and police officers
fought their way into the inferno,
We became one gender.
As we fell to our knees
in prayer for strength,
We became one faith.
As we whispered or shouted
words of encouragement,
We spoke one language.
As we gave our blood
in lines a mile long,
We became one body.
As we mourned together the great loss,
We became one family.
As we cried tears of grief and loss,
We became one soul.
As we retell with pride
the sacrifice of heroes,
We become one people.
"We Are"
One color
One class
One generation
One gender
One faith
One language
One body
One family
One soul
One people
We are the Power of One.
We are United.
We are America.
~By Dr. Cheryl Sawyer~
 
 
 
AMERICAN SPIRIT
 
On September 11, thousands of
Americans lost their lives to a
senseless and cowardly act of terrorism
and an entire nation mourned.

However, these terrorists
knew nothing about the
American spirit.

They greatly underestimated our
strength, resolve, and bravery.

We've met with disaster,
but we've come together in the midst
of adversity and found strength
through one another.

We refuse to be beaten, bullied,
or weakened by terrorists.

And we are far from helpless.

We will stand together through
this crisis, and we will heal.

We will raise our flag
and let it fly high and victorious
beneath the stars.

And we will emerge stronger
than ever before,
united through our pride,
our compassion,
and our faith in God.
 
 
 

Sunday, August 19, 2007

WEEKEND OF THE BUGGY

The wayward son is home....Lord Have Mercy--it is GREAT  to see him...just hugging him knowing he is good and all is well (seeing it for myself) brings a lot of relief to my mind. I was so HAPPY he was home I actually WENT OUTSIDE..sat under a tree with Allen and Crystalyn and watched Eric ride our mud buggy...it is actually a dune buggy but of course if there is mud to be found--all of us enjoy going through mud...must be a southern thing...LOL.

So of course I took a TON of pics....picked out the ones I thought were fun and put them together for you all to check out....Eric's best friend came by also and hung out for a while...William lives a few houses down the road...they have known each other since they were 9 years old....William is like another son....I think growing up he spent more time with us then he did with his own family...I know he spent the majority of the holidays with us...Saturday night he and Eric went racing....in Eric's race he was run off the course by another car...(sniff sniff) so he did not win....but William won his race...Allen went to go watch them...he said it was wild...I just cannot watch...too worried about someone getting hurt.

Tonight I think Eric wants to go out and Eat at a place called Whistle Junction...I am NOT going...I spent an hour and half outside yesterday and today my body just hurts way too much and I am so drained....it bothers me that my body will not cooperate but I just cannot take the pain today....but I am sending the camera along with them...hopefully they will get some fun pics. Enjoy the picture show...Hope everyone has been having a FANTASTIC weekend...
Before I forget---Here is YOUR POSITIVE MESSAGE:

Remember to HUG those you LOVE--time is so short!
PEACE!!!

Friday, August 17, 2007

BE POSITIVE MESSAGE AND FORUM

I HAVE DECIDED--to try and start a new trend here in J-land....so of course I need everyone's help in doing so...here is my idea...I think everyone should at least once a week....or perhaps every time they do an entry (but that may be asking too much) to jot down a positive quote and/or display a positive graphic/blinkie/avatar whatever in their entry...maybe calling it Positive Words of Wisdom or a Positive Moment--whatever....I think with all the craziness going on in today's world, friends here in J-land being sick, sadness hitting lives of those we care about...I think we could all use a positive word of encouragement...or a picture to bring a smile to someone else's face...I just think it would be nice....WHAT DO YOU ALL THINK? ... Would anyone else like to jump on the band wagon? Would you pass along this message? Let me know what you really think of the idea....
The reason for me coming up with this is because my 4th Anniversary of journaling in AOL has arrived...and looking back on the past years and thinking about all the people that I have met and have come and gone...I just thought of stepping by J-land by bringing out the positive in everyone...I know that some entries of mine have been down and out...but at least at the end of my entry..would be a positive note!!! You know what I mean?
Here is my positive blinkie for today...
Anyway---Here are a few blinkies I made claiming to be positive...save to your own hard drive if you want one....:
 
 
Okay--the next thing I have been neglecting to mention is my forum...people have been stopping by on and off...BUT I so encourage you all to come join me there...every day I have been adding content to it....There are a couple of new sections also...one for pets (thanks Lori) one for wallpapers for your desktop, and one for amazing photos...if anyone has any other suggestions I am more then open to them...this forum is not a group...there is nothing mandatory about it...it is just a place to go to share recipes, graphics, hobbies, all kinds of lil stuffies...the only reason you join it--so that you can post to the forum--add your own stuffies to share...and when you do that you receive points towards surprises .... ****LORI--get in touch with me for your surprises****
Anyway...I so hope you will check it out for yourself...just click on the graphic to go to it....
 
 
My wayward son, Eric,  left arizona around 6 by plane this evening and should arrive at Tampa International 9:30 tomorrow morning....yes I know that is all night long...it was the only flight we could get him....so we are all excited he will be home--only for 48 hours but that is a HUGE blessing for us...I will spend every minute enjoying his laughter, jokes, stories until he has to leave again...and again through the tears...I will say good bye!
I wish you all a HAPPY SATURDAY...remember to HUG those you LOVE!!
PEACE!!

Thursday, August 16, 2007

A NEW GRANDBABY

As you may or may not know....I was married before I ever met Allen...It was 17 years ago....to Crystalyn's biological father...I knew the day I was marrying him it was probably a mistake...but I thought it was the right thing to do...BOY WHAT A MISTAKE....however--my ex came with 3 kids from his first marriage...at the time they were 6yrs old 5 yrs old and 4yrs old...I so loved being a mom...and when I had the twins...they so loved being siblings of twins and just having the babies around...really good kids....no complaints from me...HOWEVER...when my ex and I parted ways...his kids went with him...of course he had nothing nice to say about me to them...made up ALOT of stories but that is neither here nor there....slowly they have been in touch through out the last several years...the oldest (who is now 25) even came down to visit twice, especially to see Crystalyn...that is his sweet pea and he is her bubba... Well Sarah has always been in touch....she has a lil girl....Jazzmyne...a cutie patootie....as far as the kids are concerned----I am the one and only mom they have ever known...so with their kids I am the grandmom....I love it...it is so sweet to hear those words....and it is sweet to be in touch with my kids...well the eldest just had a baby girl....her name is Serenity...and I was given some pics so I thought I would share them here....I am a grandmom again...now how cool is that!!!!!
OH BY THE WAY....I think aol journals went down yesterday....because my daughter did not get an alert about me updating my journal...you may want to read yesterday's entry about FIRE AND WATER....I am still not over it!!!
 
So Here is the lil cutie----SERENITY
 
 
 
Thanks for looking...Remember to HUG those you LOVE...Time is so short!!!
PEACE!!!!!
 

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

FIRE AND WATER

Did I ever tell you all about my fears....some people are scared of heights...nope not me...love the feeling of being high up...I also have no fear of flying...have been in some terrible storms in planes but it just does not phase me....not afraid of spiders...I cannot stand them but have no fear of them....my fear is FIRE...when I was 8 we had just moved from White Plains NY to Croton on the Hudson NY...about an hour or so apart....we were in our new home for about 3 months ...my mom, brother and I were out back sitting and talking when I noticed LOTS of black smoke pouring out of the kitchen vent..(the kitchen door was right there where we were sitting..) well my mom opened the kitchen door and the smoke bellowed out...I was screaming to the neighbors on one side and my mom went screaming to neighbors on the other side....I (like a fool) went running through the kitchen to go to the basement to save my guinea pig.....never thinking I could die in the fire....neighbors started with the hoses on the fire and then the fire department showed up (they were FAST)...needless to say....the house smelled of smoke for a long time...everything had to be painted again...rugs replaced...and a whole new kitchen put in...the fire directly effected only the kitchen but everything smelled of smoke beyond repair. No one was hurt....my dad arrived from work just as things got settled down...I saw the fear in his eyes thinking that one of us might have been hurt...but I saved my guinea pig....her name was juanita...too cute...but anyway, I digress...ever since then I have this fear of fire--just do not trust anything about it...sure enough when I moved into my own place away from my first husband...the majority of my belongings were still at the place where he was...he was taking his sweet time bringing me my things (I had no car at the time-to do it myself) and again I am faced with my fear...a fire broke out at his place and everything was lost....everything burnt to the ground...I lost my life of memories...just devastated me....NOW....that is twice...and the fear has only grown....
I tell you all this (if you have been able to follow my poor excuse of story telling) because in the wee hours of this morning....I decided to try and rest...like I have said in previous entries--I cannot sleep...but I decided to lay back in the recliner and just shut my eyes and concentrate on my breathing and think of nothing....well all of a sudden I had this "vision" (lack of a better explanation) and saw my daughter's room catch on fire...from her AC window unit...I have no idea because it was not giving us trouble or anything, it had not even been a concern until I saw this "vision". Well of course that kind of thought just had my insides panicking...and rest was not to be had...now the anxiety is setting in because every time I closed my eyes all I could see was my daughter's room on fire...
I decided to just watch some mindless thing on TV and keep an ear out...keep my nose alert....about 4-5 hours later my daughter comes screaming in the puter room to tell me that her AC has caught on fire and her wall is on fire...OMG.....I thought my heart was going to go through my chest...she managed to put it out with blankets...and I told her to wake up her dad so that he could see what is going on....well he checked things out and said he would remove the outlet and replace it and throw away the AC unit ....well we were chatting along (about an hour or so later still about things) when my daughter comes in and says that now all the electric is out in her room...before it was just that one outlet...but her room and the bathroom have no power...I become a MAJOR itch and go crazy on Allen and tell him to check the breakers...find out what the hell is going on because I now think we are going to lose the house to a fire if something is not done. To make a very long and stress filled day short...Allen replaced the outlet and the breaker and all is functioning well...I am now not going to be able to sleep because I just am TERRIFIED that something else will happen.
What is up with me having this "Vision"--I saw it so clear and it scares me that it actually happened...now I am afraid of closing my eyes...!!
Now--of course in my life, that is just topping my week...two days ago...we were again just hanging around when my daughter said she tried to get some water and there was NO WATER...I said that is crazy...our well is not that old..we just had the damn thing done witnin the last year...well to make this story that is VERY LONG very short...due to rains and such our pump started caving into a hole in the ground near the well....and it pulled the pump pipes apart, actually snapped them...water shooting all over--back yard flooded...and no water in the house...I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING!!!!!
So Allen had to make an emergency run to the farm store and get some pipes and such and repair the pipes to the well and pump so we could get our water back on...after about 3 hours...water has returned....UNBELIEVEABLE....
So now I am more of a wreck then before....just cannot get my mind to settle enough to just relax...scared out of my wits and the panic attacks have been constant and harsh. Makes for a very stressful family life...I am making everyone crazy and on edge...truly--at points like this--I think sometimes it might be better if I just moved out and lived by myself so that everyone else can live a normal life and they would not have to deal with me and my demons!
Well--how has your week been? More from me later---Remember to HUG those you LOVE...Time is so Precious!!!
PEACE