Thursday, September 20, 2007


I should have entered this yesterday---but storms and heavy downpours of rain prevented me from getting has been that way pretty much since the weekend...LOTS AND LOTS of rain....they say we need to fill the aquaduct because now there have been nightly news reports of sinkholes happening all over....but rain seems to just add a dismal feeling to the air---and not being able to get online to pass the time adds a gloom....::sniff sniff::
If you want to see the entry I did of her birthday last year just click here-->17 YEARS OLD.
So my BEAUTIFUL daughter has turned the BIG AND OFFICIAL 18 YEARS OLD.
All I can say is WOW-WOW-WOW-WOW!!!!
With every day that passes-she still amazes me....She has a wonderful and crazy sense of very open minded...I am amazed and proud of the woman she has become...I could not ask for better--She has such dreams, so many things she wants to do and explore...I just know that with her determination-she will succeed at anything she sets her mind to.
I decided to show a couple of pics....the first one is of my grandmother--Crystalyn's great grandmother holding both Crystalyn and Joshua for the first grandmother was 90 at that time...Crystalyn and Joshua had been home from the hospital maybe a week at they only weigh 4 pounds each...they are dressed in Premie cabbage patch doll outfits that every time you picked them up the clothes would fall right that was crazy to handle...
This is Crystalyn now....ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL and just the APPLE OF MY EYE...truly I never thought this day would has been a WONDERFUL 18 years...full of everything that life has to offer....I so look forward to more!!!
Remember to hug those you LOVE.....PEACE!!!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007


Have I mentioned anytime recently that the demons are fighting back bigger than ever....usually I do not like starting an entry on a downer---people do not like reading journals that are downers...but I am TRULY too tired emotionally and physically to fight the urge not to write about it....I know my entries are sporadic....I usually do not write when the "demons" are going strong....but it has reached a point that I am losing now...I have been fighting for 7 years this damn disease and the affects of the medications and giving up the life I once had....been fighting daily the battles....but I am no longer winning.
I seem to have more things to worry about and I am tired of that too---I have noticed that this bulge has appeared on my stomach---it is the size of a cantaloupe and hurts to be touched...the only time I am aware of it is when I cough or someone touches it....scares the life out of me...nothing I can do about it...but that is another story.....and now my kidneys feel like they have been through a 15 round fight and I back is killing me...I actually surprised my hunnie and daughter a couple of days ago and said LET'S GO OUT AND EAT....they were so happy I wanted out of the we went to Denny's I ordered a steak dinner---so delicious....but after about 45 minutes of being back was screaming to get out of there....tears just started streaming down my daughter helped me out to the car and there I stayed....I told Allen to take his time finishing up....the car seats help alleviate some of the pain--so I was ok. Well yesterday I again told them that I wanted to go our favorite Chinese restaurant....but after eating for about 20 minutes FORGET IT--I had to go back and sit in the car....the pain was unreal. Once everyone was done eating and we got home---I just cried for the rest of the night.....I thought I had hit a mile stone because-Finally my head was ok to go out and but now my back is not going for it....believe it or not it just SCARES the HELL out of me....I know that Allen is sick and tired of all this.....he has become extremely irritated by it all....I am sure he feels helpless...but in his frustration--I am who do I turn to? The doctor I have for my lungs is sweetheart...and at the beginning of our long "relationship" with my illness...he was very understanding and took care of whatever my body was going through---but something has happened...because he is NO LONGER doing that....he actually made me feel stupid when I asked him about Klonopin which is what I was taking to take the edge off the anxiety so that I can get out without freaking.....he said FORGET IT...he does not involve himself in other issues...(news to me)...for the first time...I truly felt hurt by him because for the last 7 years he has helped me through everything...As a matter of fact I did have an appointment with him a week ago...but I cancelled it and rescheduled...WHY BOTHER GOING???? I am just going to be given the SAME DAMN MEDS as I have been taking for the last 7 years...7 years of prednisone...which helps me breathe but kills the rest of your body organs, adavair (another steroid) that helps me to breathe but also kills vital healthy cells and the list goes on.....and going - there is no use in trying to tell him how I feel because nothing will change....the lower back problem - I will be told - is not an issue for him.....well maybe it is because of all the steroids I take....but I guess he does not see it that way.
Again--I am freaking crying because I am LOST....and so very fed up with being sick.....I HATE IT!!!! I want my old body and my old life back!!!! My back is not legs are not working, my head seems to leading it's own rampage, my skin looks like I have been through a war zone (sores and boils everywhere)--then my family looks at me and wonders why the HELL am I depressed...GEEEEZZZ!!!
Well I am making myself sick just writing all this---but I had to get it out--this is my last refuge...I have no friends here in my real life---just my hunnie and daughter--and they are tired of it is not easy when you are around me...I will return with what is going on otherwise later---just gotta go for now.
Remember to HUG those you LOVE!!!

Tuesday, September 11, 2007


It has been Six Years .... to me it seems like yesterday...Words still cannot express what I was thinking at the time I saw the towers get hit....words still escape me...Here is my lil tribute to that horrific day...Say a prayer for all those that perished...for those that tried to rescue, for all that have been affected by such insanity....Pray for those that are still suffering and fighting for our freedom to NOT fear.


  Two thousand one, nine eleven
  Three thousand plus arrive in heaven
  As they pass through the gate,
  Thousands more appear in wait
  A bearded man with stovepipe hat
  Steps forward saying, "Lets sit, lets chat"

  They settle down in seats of clouds
  A man named Martin shouts out proud
  "I have a dream!" and once he did
  The Newcomer said, "Your dream still lives."

  Groups of soldiers in blue and gray
  Others in khaki, and green then say
  "We're from Bull Run, Yorktown, the Maine"
  The Newcomer said, "You died not in vain."

  From a man on sticks one could hear
  "The only thing we have to fear.
  The Newcomer said, "We know the rest,
  Trust us sir, we've passed that test."

  "Courage doesn't hide in caves
  You can't bury freedom, in a grave,"
  The Newcomers had heard this voice before
  A distinct Yankees twang from Hyannisport shores

  A silence fell within the mist
  Somehow the Newcomer knew that this
  Meant time had come for her to say
  What was in the hearts of the five thousand plus that day

  "Back on Earth, we wrote reports,
  Watched our children play in sports
  Worked our gardens, sang our songs
  Went to church and clipped coupons
  We smiled, we laughed, we cried, we fought
  Unlike you, great we're not"

  The tall man in the stovepipe hat
  Stood and said, "Don't talk like that!
  Look at your country, look and see
  You died for freedom, just like me"

  Then, before them all appeared a scene
  Of rumbled streets and twisted beams
  Death, destruction, smoke and dust
  And people working just 'cause they must

  Hauling ash, lifting stones,
  Knee deep in hell, but not alone
  "Look! Blackman, Whiteman, Brownman, Yellowman
  Side by side helping their fellow man!"

  So said Martin, as he watched the scene
  "Even from nightmares, can be born a dream."

  Down below three firemen raised
  The colors high into ashen haze
  The soldiers above had seen it before
  On Iwo Jima back in '45

  The man on sticks studied everything closely
  Then shared his perceptions on what he saw mostly
  "I see pain, I see tears,
  I see sorrow -- but I don't see fear."

  "You left behind husbands and wives
  Daughters and sons and so many lives
  Are suffering now because of this wrong
  But look very closely. You're not really gone.

  All of those people, even those who've never met you
  All of their lives, they'll never forget you
  Don't you see what has happened?
  Don't you see what you've done?
  You've brought them together, together as one.

  With that the man in the stovepipe hat said
  "Take my hand," and from there he led
  Three thousand plus heroes, Newcomers to heaven
  On this day, two thousand one, nine eleven

  Author UNKNOWN
As the soot and dirt and ash rained down,
We became one color.
As we carried each other down the stairs
of the burning building,
We became one class.
As we lit candles of waiting and hope,
We became one generation.
As the firefighters and police officers
fought their way into the inferno,
We became one gender.
As we fell to our knees
in prayer for strength,
We became one faith.
As we whispered or shouted
words of encouragement,
We spoke one language.
As we gave our blood
in lines a mile long,
We became one body.
As we mourned together the great loss,
We became one family.
As we cried tears of grief and loss,
We became one soul.
As we retell with pride
the sacrifice of heroes,
We become one people.
"We Are"
One color
One class
One generation
One gender
One faith
One language
One body
One family
One soul
One people
We are the Power of One.
We are United.
We are America.
~By Dr. Cheryl Sawyer~
On September 11, thousands of
Americans lost their lives to a
senseless and cowardly act of terrorism
and an entire nation mourned.

However, these terrorists
knew nothing about the
American spirit.

They greatly underestimated our
strength, resolve, and bravery.

We've met with disaster,
but we've come together in the midst
of adversity and found strength
through one another.

We refuse to be beaten, bullied,
or weakened by terrorists.

And we are far from helpless.

We will stand together through
this crisis, and we will heal.

We will raise our flag
and let it fly high and victorious
beneath the stars.

And we will emerge stronger
than ever before,
united through our pride,
our compassion,
and our faith in God.