Wednesday, March 21, 2007


Well Now that I have done a video for my boys...I wanted to surprise my daughter with one...I think it came out pretty is longer then the boys...
The only thing I wish that I had more baby pics of her...but those burned in a fire in my ex's house...I had them stored there in the shed...
Please let me know what you think...I hope you stick around for the whole thing...I love the music in it!

Thanks for stopping by.....PEACE!!!

Tuesday, March 20, 2007


SORRY SORRY SORRY....Geez....I would like to THANK Lori for showing me what was wrong with my video...THANK GOD for friends!!!!

So finally if you are not sick of me is the video...
I so hope you like it...then again you may be sick of me asking....


Monday, March 19, 2007


WELL--gosh darnit...the video is not working here on aol but works every place here is the link to my you tube page and you can watch the video there...


Thanks...please be sure to come back here and let me know what you think.....!!!!!


First I want to say THANK YOU to all of you that left such supportive and compassionate comments for me, about my last entry...perhaps one day I will be able to fill in more details..but still 17 years later...the hurt still lives...and emotionally it really breaks my heart.

Okay...I have not done another entry since because life has been pretty slow around daughter was off from school for 10 days for spring break...geez- a bored teenager...however the majority of the time she amuses herself so I am thankful for that.

Well - I became somewhat bored early this morning and decided to try and put together a video of my boys...they have been on my mind more recently because their birthday is coming up..they will be turning 22 on the 26th...WOW...where does the time go.
So I played around with movie maker and below is the video...please take a couple of minutes to watch it and let me know what you think....I even have music in it...I shock myself.
Well that is all the news fit to print for now...


Monday, March 12, 2007



It was August 1989...I went for a doctor's visit because
I had gotten a nasty cough and since I was having a
terrible time with my pregnancy, the doctors wanted
to see me. I was 5 months pregnant with twins.
I remember the JOY and THRILL I felt when I
found out I was pregnant and to find out it was
Twins was a double Blessing.
I went to meet with the specialist at the Hospital
since that is where he was doing rounds.
Well after a quick examination and lots of talk among
the doctors... they said I was not going anywhere.
I was in Labor. I had started to dialate.
The greatest fear ran thru my mind...Terrified that I would
lose my babies ... my nightmare began.
To make the longest month of my life short...after one week
of being in the hospital my gall bladder had
become so diseased that they had to perform
emergency surgery to remove it.
During my stay they also found out that
thru medication that I was allergic to
I had contracted Hepatitis.
Also some other medication that the doctors
had given me I was soooo allergic to
that I had experienced several mini heart attacks.
So many other things went one knew if
I would survive nor the twins.
Well after fighting for a month to avoid delivering early
the fight was over.
The decision was made on September 18,1989
to let me deliver at 6 months.
At 4:45am on September 19,1989
I delivered twins by c-section because our
little girl was breach.
The first out was Joshua, 1.8 pounds
So small so peaceful so perfect in my eyes.
Then came Crystalyn, 2.0 pounds
So small and full of spunk so perfect in my eyes.
They spent the next 2 months in the
hospital...they were not allowed to
come home until they were at least 4 pounds in weight.
It seemed like everyday there was another
crisis with the babies.
Every night we went to spend hours just looking
at them.
They were fighters though..nothing could keep them down.
We brought them home November 1st 1989.
A true day of celebration.
I did not care that they had to come home
on heart monitors.
Just as long as I finally got to bring them home.
Every friday we would have to go to the doctors.
The best Christmas present I ever had was
having them home.
The alarms would go off....and everytime I would
age...the sound became my worst mightmare.
In february 1990...Joshua was having a tough time
too many alarms and his breathing was
straining him, He had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
After a couple of days we got to bring him home.
Well Joshua really never regained his strength.
On the morning of March 8 1990 I woke up to
Joshua crying really hard...which was unusual for him.
I picked him up and we walked the house
looking for his pacifier.
I told him I was going to put him down in bed so that
I could get his bottle.
Then we had to leave to go to the doctor's again.
I put him down...picked up his bottle from the kitchen
and when I returned to his room...he was blue.
I remember very little after that.
Started CPR...called 911
was rushed to the hospital by ambulance.
And 45 minutes later the doctors came in to tell me
he was gone. There was nothing that they could do.
I remember not being allowed to leave the hospital until
the coroner and some investigators got there.
I remember being very confused.
Life seem to go in very slow motion.
I do remember being told by the police and the coroner
that according to state law I am guilty in the death of my son
until thru an autopsy I could be proven innocent.
The coroner and doctors and investigators tried to trip me up
with their questions...checking to see if my story stayed the same.
They did discover that my husband (the jerk) at the time DID NOTHING
for their care...he did know the name of any medications or their schedule or
the names of their doctors or it all rested on my shoulders.While they were questioning me...they sent more
investigators to my house and treated it like a crime scene. Took samples of everything..took bedsheets, formula, medictaions, everything..
After being questioned for what seemed
for hours I was allowed to go home.
The priliminary autopsy proved that I was innocent.
The final autopsy that was given 2 months later
said that Joshua had died of S.I.D.S.
(Sudden Infant Death Syndrome)
Complications due to premature birth.
Nothing will ever be the same for me.
Nothing could ever help me understand
how that could happen to my baby boy.
The one who fought all the odds, the one
whose spirit was so peaceful and so loving.
He was lost to such a mystery.
After that every time I looked in Crystalyn's eyes
I could see Joshua.
Everything that I had, I had for two..I now only needed for one.
I had wonderful friends who were there for me.
I know I would have never made it without them.
I really did not want to go on without Joshua.
He was the weakest of the two...but there was
something so special and different about him.
Then after a time period of being just numb..
I had realized that I still had a baby to care for.
Crystalyn I know was my only reason for living.
She made me want to wake up every morning.
To almost make up for lost time with Joshua.
I will forever miss Joshua.
There are just no words to describe the emptiness
and loss of him.
Crystalyn is now 17 years old and
The Light Of My Life.
Without her I would not have made it this far.
We have a special bond that
no one but the two of us can understand.
Once in a while she will tell me about
something that Joshua has told her or she knows he
is doing.
I am a firm believer that He has become her
Guardian Angel.
So I know he is always around.

**There is so much more to our story....but this is all I have ever been able to bring myself to write about...17 years later and it still hurts as if it happened yesterday!.....Every year...his birthday, the day he died, Christmas...I go visit him at the may sound strange to some...but right now it is all I have...and I cling on to it.**

I remember more this time of year...every year...the tears still roll down my face...the hurt still stings my heart...the sorrow still fills my soul...and then I have to begin again to move on.


Tuesday, March 6, 2007


One of the solutions that the psychiatrist had for me is to prescribe sleeping pills because my sleep schedule is all screwed up and that also feeds into the this morning at 6 I took a sleeping pill...(ambien) and usually it puts me out in 3-4 minutes...well as you can see by the it is almost 9 and I am still you know just how racy my mind is...I cannot calm it down...warm baths/showers do not help, neither does warm milk, or reading a good book...even the dumb TV programs that are on during the insane hours did not bore that is something to be afraid of....Fox News on satellite has a new program at 2 in the morning called RED EYE....just the most insulting,idiotic show I have ever seen...I watch just to see how bad it can get...HOW DID THOSE FOOLS GET A SHOW! Please if you are up at that unGodly really show check it out for yourself and let me now what you think.

OKAY---I really did not have much to say really but I went blog hopping over at blog spot where I have a blog...which I will explain to you all in a minute. Well this one lady had nothing new to write about so she decided to write 10 things that you may not know about me.
What a novel that is what I am going to do here:
What just may be surprised:

1-I went to a private girl's academy when I started school then we moved and I went to a public school for two months..where the teachers said I was beyond my grade level....then was enrolled in a co-ed catholic school until I graduated from 8th grade..then off to an all girl's private high school...then that school closed after my first I was shuffled off to the public high school in my town. TALK ABOUT CONSTANT CULTURE SHOCK!

2-I started to play the piano from the age of 4...and performed at Carnegie Hall in New York in a competition between schools....I was good...played beautiful this day love listening to classical music.

3-I used to spend every december and half of january in Puerto Rico with all my family and relatives..I LOVED IT! I used to get my school work ahead of time to do while I was down on the island and by the time I came back I was ahead of all the other kids.

4-I was tested for MENSA...scored 177 I think....but my father did not want me to be apart of their program due to being used as a "TOKEN" minority in his views...which he is probably right.

5-I was a girl scout junior to cadette to senior growing up....NERD CITY...but just love selling those cookies...that made you instantly popular.

6-I sang top soprano in our church choir...only two of us could hit those high notes...and we were just students...not the adults...the church organ lady...Ms Lavine loved us!

7-From the age of 10 until I graduated high school I went to east harlem in NY every other friday to keep my dad's business books...I would pay the bills and bill the dentists for all the lab work my dad did for them the past two weeks...the dentists used to send notes to my dad asking who is the beautiful soft spoken woman in his office that takes care of his billing that has the beautiful handwriting...My dad used to go off and tell them she is only 11 or 12 (whatever I was at the time)and she is my NO ONE BELIEVED IT!

8-I am the only one in my entire family that calls my dad "OLD MAN' my father does not allow anyone else to call him that....he said that name is between him and I have called him that since I was in high school...he was complaining about aching and I called him an old man and it has stuck ever since.

9-My parents and I always sponsored a host student from another country every year to spend any where from a week to a month to get a taste of the program I was ever involved in. This was during my high school years...Really fun! I also was a sponsored student in a couple of city around the country...had a blast!

10-I have been working in crafts since I was probably 7 years old mom taking my brother and I to lessons in ceramincs, painting and such...and to this day....we are both artists in our own right!

OKAY NOW...I challenge any of you to divulge 10 things about yourself that you do not believe others know about you! If you do this...PLEASE leave me a comment so I can go to your blog and check it out! I DOUBLE DARE YA!


Saturday, March 3, 2007


Well it is early early morning and I can't seem to fall asleep..
my mind just cannot seem to shut off for a bit...I go through these
phases but it really drives me nuts...
So I thought I would be constructive in some way...and I decided to do
some digital I did two paintings...of my sons...
Let me know what you hand is stiff from all the painting but I least
I was has been a
This is Eric holding up his dog tags
This is AJ in his room in the barracks
Yesterday was pretty nice...I had a fun daughter bought me some
beautiful angel water globe, an angel key chain, and an fuzzy eeyore pez dispenser (yes I collect pez she is just too cute...
I received ALOT of birthday wishes and cards...just WONDERFUL...really lifted my spirits...I needed that...more then I realized.
Of course no one in my family remembered but that is par for the course.
At this point you would think I would be used to that...hmmmm.
It was a pretty laid back day...the kind I like so that made my birthday really nice.
Did you notice that my hello has a xmas bulb in it...but I love housemouse and I thought it would be cute to have a cat and mice on the page....I know I need to go to
Truly not much else to write about....I think my brain is on overtime and it seems I am drawing a I will end this early morning attempt at being funny/cute/informative/
Thanks for stopping by