Sunday, August 19, 2007


The wayward son is home....Lord Have Mercy--it is GREAT  to see him...just hugging him knowing he is good and all is well (seeing it for myself) brings a lot of relief to my mind. I was so HAPPY he was home I actually WENT OUTSIDE..sat under a tree with Allen and Crystalyn and watched Eric ride our mud is actually a dune buggy but of course if there is mud to be found--all of us enjoy going through mud...must be a southern thing...LOL.

So of course I took a TON of pics....picked out the ones I thought were fun and put them together for you all to check out....Eric's best friend came by also and hung out for a while...William lives a few houses down the road...they have known each other since they were 9 years old....William is like another son....I think growing up he spent more time with us then he did with his own family...I know he spent the majority of the holidays with us...Saturday night he and Eric went Eric's race he was run off the course by another car...(sniff sniff) so he did not win....but William won his race...Allen went to go watch them...he said it was wild...I just cannot watch...too worried about someone getting hurt.

Tonight I think Eric wants to go out and Eat at a place called Whistle Junction...I am NOT going...I spent an hour and half outside yesterday and today my body just hurts way too much and I am so bothers me that my body will not cooperate but I just cannot take the pain today....but I am sending the camera along with them...hopefully they will get some fun pics. Enjoy the picture show...Hope everyone has been having a FANTASTIC weekend...
Before I forget---Here is YOUR POSITIVE MESSAGE:

Remember to HUG those you LOVE--time is so short!

Friday, August 17, 2007


I HAVE DECIDED--to try and start a new trend here in of course I need everyone's help in doing is my idea...I think everyone should at least once a week....or perhaps every time they do an entry (but that may be asking too much) to jot down a positive quote and/or display a positive graphic/blinkie/avatar whatever in their entry...maybe calling it Positive Words of Wisdom or a Positive Moment--whatever....I think with all the craziness going on in today's world, friends here in J-land being sick, sadness hitting lives of those we care about...I think we could all use a positive word of encouragement...or a picture to bring a smile to someone else's face...I just think it would be nice....WHAT DO YOU ALL THINK? ... Would anyone else like to jump on the band wagon? Would you pass along this message? Let me know what you really think of the idea....
The reason for me coming up with this is because my 4th Anniversary of journaling in AOL has arrived...and looking back on the past years and thinking about all the people that I have met and have come and gone...I just thought of stepping by J-land by bringing out the positive in everyone...I know that some entries of mine have been down and out...but at least at the end of my entry..would be a positive note!!! You know what I mean?
Here is my positive blinkie for today...
Anyway---Here are a few blinkies I made claiming to be to your own hard drive if you want one....:
Okay--the next thing I have been neglecting to mention is my forum...people have been stopping by on and off...BUT I so encourage you all to come join me there...every day I have been adding content to it....There are a couple of new sections for pets (thanks Lori) one for wallpapers for your desktop, and one for amazing photos...if anyone has any other suggestions I am more then open to them...this forum is not a group...there is nothing mandatory about is just a place to go to share recipes, graphics, hobbies, all kinds of lil stuffies...the only reason you join it--so that you can post to the forum--add your own stuffies to share...and when you do that you receive points towards surprises .... ****LORI--get in touch with me for your surprises****
Anyway...I so hope you will check it out for yourself...just click on the graphic to go to it....
My wayward son, Eric,  left arizona around 6 by plane this evening and should arrive at Tampa International 9:30 tomorrow morning....yes I know that is all night was the only flight we could get we are all excited he will be home--only for 48 hours but that is a HUGE blessing for us...I will spend every minute enjoying his laughter, jokes, stories until he has to leave again...and again through the tears...I will say good bye!
I wish you all a HAPPY SATURDAY...remember to HUG those you LOVE!!

Thursday, August 16, 2007


As you may or may not know....I was married before I ever met Allen...It was 17 years Crystalyn's biological father...I knew the day I was marrying him it was probably a mistake...but I thought it was the right thing to do...BOY WHAT A MISTAKE....however--my ex came with 3 kids from his first the time they were 6yrs old 5 yrs old and 4yrs old...I so loved being a mom...and when I had the twins...they so loved being siblings of twins and just having the babies around...really good complaints from me...HOWEVER...when my ex and I parted ways...his kids went with him...of course he had nothing nice to say about me to them...made up ALOT of stories but that is neither here nor there....slowly they have been in touch through out the last several years...the oldest (who is now 25) even came down to visit twice, especially to see Crystalyn...that is his sweet pea and he is her bubba... Well Sarah has always been in touch....she has a lil girl....Jazzmyne...a cutie far as the kids are concerned----I am the one and only mom they have ever with their kids I am the grandmom....I love is so sweet to hear those words....and it is sweet to be in touch with my kids...well the eldest just had a baby girl....her name is Serenity...and I was given some pics so I thought I would share them here....I am a grandmom how cool is that!!!!!
OH BY THE WAY....I think aol journals went down yesterday....because my daughter did not get an alert about me updating my may want to read yesterday's entry about FIRE AND WATER....I am still not over it!!!
So Here is the lil cutie----SERENITY
Thanks for looking...Remember to HUG those you LOVE...Time is so short!!!

Wednesday, August 15, 2007


Did I ever tell you all about my fears....some people are scared of heights...nope not the feeling of being high up...I also have no fear of flying...have been in some terrible storms in planes but it just does not phase me....not afraid of spiders...I cannot stand them but have no fear of fear is FIRE...when I was 8 we had just moved from White Plains NY to Croton on the Hudson NY...about an hour or so apart....we were in our new home for about 3 months mom, brother and I were out back sitting and talking when I noticed LOTS of black smoke pouring out of the kitchen vent..(the kitchen door was right there where we were sitting..) well my mom opened the kitchen door and the smoke bellowed out...I was screaming to the neighbors on one side and my mom went screaming to neighbors on the other side....I (like a fool) went running through the kitchen to go to the basement to save my guinea pig.....never thinking I could die in the fire....neighbors started with the hoses on the fire and then the fire department showed up (they were FAST)...needless to say....the house smelled of smoke for a long time...everything had to be painted again...rugs replaced...and a whole new kitchen put in...the fire directly effected only the kitchen but everything smelled of smoke beyond repair. No one was dad arrived from work just as things got settled down...I saw the fear in his eyes thinking that one of us might have been hurt...but I saved my guinea pig....her name was juanita...too cute...but anyway, I digress...ever since then I have this fear of fire--just do not trust anything about it...sure enough when I moved into my own place away from my first husband...the majority of my belongings were still at the place where he was...he was taking his sweet time bringing me my things (I had no car at the time-to do it myself) and again I am faced with my fear...a fire broke out at his place and everything was lost....everything burnt to the ground...I lost my life of memories...just devastated me....NOW....that is twice...and the fear has only grown....
I tell you all this (if you have been able to follow my poor excuse of story telling) because in the wee hours of this morning....I decided to try and I have said in previous entries--I cannot sleep...but I decided to lay back in the recliner and just shut my eyes and concentrate on my breathing and think of nothing....well all of a sudden I had this "vision" (lack of a better explanation) and saw my daughter's room catch on fire...from her AC window unit...I have no idea because it was not giving us trouble or anything, it had not even been a concern until I saw this "vision". Well of course that kind of thought just had my insides panicking...and rest was not to be the anxiety is setting in because every time I closed my eyes all I could see was my daughter's room on fire...
I decided to just watch some mindless thing on TV and keep an ear out...keep my nose alert....about 4-5 hours later my daughter comes screaming in the puter room to tell me that her AC has caught on fire and her wall is on fire...OMG.....I thought my heart was going to go through my chest...she managed to put it out with blankets...and I told her to wake up her dad so that he could see what is going on....well he checked things out and said he would remove the outlet and replace it and throw away the AC unit ....well we were chatting along (about an hour or so later still about things) when my daughter comes in and says that now all the electric is out in her room...before it was just that one outlet...but her room and the bathroom have no power...I become a MAJOR itch and go crazy on Allen and tell him to check the breakers...find out what the hell is going on because I now think we are going to lose the house to a fire if something is not done. To make a very long and stress filled day short...Allen replaced the outlet and the breaker and all is functioning well...I am now not going to be able to sleep because I just am TERRIFIED that something else will happen.
What is up with me having this "Vision"--I saw it so clear and it scares me that it actually I am afraid of closing my eyes...!!
Now--of course in my life, that is just topping my week...two days ago...we were again just hanging around when my daughter said she tried to get some water and there was NO WATER...I said that is crazy...our well is not that old..we just had the damn thing done witnin the last year...well to make this story that is VERY LONG very short...due to rains and such our pump started caving into a hole in the ground near the well....and it pulled the pump pipes apart, actually snapped them...water shooting all over--back yard flooded...and no water in the house...I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING!!!!!
So Allen had to make an emergency run to the farm store and get some pipes and such and repair the pipes to the well and pump so we could get our water back on...after about 3 hours...water has returned....UNBELIEVEABLE....
So now I am more of a wreck then before....just cannot get my mind to settle enough to just relax...scared out of my wits and the panic attacks have been constant and harsh. Makes for a very stressful family life...I am making everyone crazy and on edge...truly--at points like this--I think sometimes it might be better if I just moved out and lived by myself so that everyone else can live a normal life and they would not have to deal with me and my demons!
Well--how has your week been? More from me later---Remember to HUG those you LOVE...Time is so Precious!!!

Monday, August 13, 2007



Three magical words…. loved by parents but hated by kids….lol. Actually school has been quite an exciting and anxious anticipation in our house…Crystalyn is going into her senior year….OMG…can you say I am so NOT ready for this. It seems with the boys it was so very different…they were glad they were seniors but were not interested in anything that came along with it…except AJ desperately wanted a school ring…we told him that Walmart also offers school rings but he was determined to order the ring at school…he felt he knew better…we told him do not obligate yourself to anything until he spoke with us…WELL TOO LATE (at that time) he did and signed a contract to order a ring that costs over 400 dollars….at the time we did not have that kind of money…so it feel on AJ to fulfill that financial obligation…because we told him to look for the same thing at walmart and he refused. Other then that…Eric did want a year book so that was ok….but all the fan fare they were just not interested in. Well Crystalyn is definitely into it all. Now I have already mentioned the school ring and portraits that we had to do over the summer….well this past Saturday was PACK IS BACK day at her school….a Saturday that is open to seniors to get their schedules, lockers, parking permits, and all the lil things before the other students are offered anything…that is one of the advantages of being a senior…those are the lil perks that Crystalyn is already enjoying….the school population is now between 2000 and 3000 thousand students over what the school can hold….across the highway from the high school is a new red cross service center being built among other types of service offices inside the same building…..well the county found out just how over crowded and insane the situation was at the high school that they have given the building to the high school for at least the next year for half the freshman class to use for some classes…the whole freshman group will have classes there but they are split up during the day…which means 1400 kids will constantly be crossing the insanely busy highway between each class….UNBELIEVEABLE…I am so glad that after this coming year we aredone with the school system here….her high school is only 6 years old at the most….and already they have in the works the building of another high school closer to our area but with the growing population…it will already have portables because it will be crowded. The test scores are WONDERFUL for all our schools…they offer programs that you do not normally find in your usual high schools…they did not CUT programs in our schools…they expanded and added more here….that is why the ratings are high…BUT…the population explosion in this area is just blowing the school system apart.


So school starts on the 20th here….bright and early…Crystalyn at the same time will be going for her driver’s license so that she can drive herself to school…she has been hesitant in taking the permit test and the drug/alcohol class and test that is required here before you become a permanent driver…she freezes on tests…and it is ALL ONLINE…so she has been slowly getting into it. The girl has enough new outfits to last her at least the first half if not also the second half of school….she has her plans set for after graduation with visiting family down south for a few weeks and then she starts college….it is called FULL SAIL….more on them at a later time.

Just as a side note---one wayward son is coming home this Friday…he has some personal stuff to take care of and will be helping his dad put up the wainscoting and such around the house…and I believe he also plans on racing with his best friend at the race track Saturday night….he has been racing for years…he loves it and the two of them are just CRAZY on the dam track….they try to eliminate everyone but each other to see who can beat who…makes me age to watch them. HOWEVER---having him home will be nice—short but super nice! He has been calling every night for the last two or more weeks just counting down the days and trying to figure out how to fit everything in his tight schedule. LOL.

BTW---another side note….we have to pay 80 dollars for a parking permit for Crystalyn to park her own car on high school property (what a rip off) and now we are just waiting for the notice about year books and the cost projected for those…I am keeping a tally because I have the strangest feeling this is going to be a VERY VERY expensive year. Well – right now that is it for news…still fighting the demons but today I just do not want to talk about it….I will just cry and I am trying not to….also—triple digits here (like many places) with the heat index…our AC units cannot even keep up…it has just been miserable….have not slept a total of 10hours in probably 5 days….just cannot get comfortable and the demons are going strong!

Be Back Soon---Remember to HUG those you LOVE—time is short!


Wednesday, August 1, 2007



I know I know I know--again I seem to go missing for a has been a bit rough for me emotionally lately....nothing is wrong at home....just inside my head....still fighting that demon and it is winning lately.
It is so very hard to explain to people that do not suffer from severe clinical me....count your just seems to overtake your life and fighting it seems endless....I have had a couple of good days here and there....that is when I am able to go outside and see the front of my house at least....just opening up the front door is overwhelming....I truly just HATE myself at those points. Actually hating myself is the least of my problems.
A prime example (on top of the depression) is I get up from my puter to go to the bathroom...which is the next room...then I come back into the puter room and I am OUT OF much so that it throws me into a panic takes me a while to calm down from that and then I am wiped of any energy. That is the COPD that I am fighting....then...if I take in a breathe too fast to speak...I choke...yes choke....then that is when the anxiety sets in because I cannot speak....nothing comes out except coughing and I have to settle myself down in order to say my family is quite used to it-but when you are on the phone talking to someone or in a store talking to the cashier or whoever or in a restaurant ordering food...this just brings on the anxiety even more....that is what I live with on a basic level....of course there are other things...but those are just the highlights from the last 24 is now the early morning hours....and I talked to myself all day how I really wanted to write another entry in my journal...and that is why I am here now....of course while sitting here I just overwhelms me...GOD --- I HATE WHEN I AM LIKE THIS!!!
Okay--a bit of news on the home front--the roof of our house got fixed....I am a happy now there are no I am ready for rain...which the next has been storming here every day..which is typical of our summers....but my dsl for some reason is having a difficult time recovering from the storms....nothing is wrong with the dsl...but AT&T has merged with BellSouth...and we have had nothing but problems with the dsl since then....geez...I am just too tired to deal with any of basically from about 11 in the morning to about 8 or 9 at night...the dsl is very iffy.
I did managed to order Crystalyn's school ring since she is a senior....and it arrived last week...she is such a happy camper and it really is a cute ring.
Here is a pic of it...hers is in white gold...with a blue sapphire stone...she loves it:
Also her senior portraits have come soon as we get back the final pics I will upload her pic but......OMG---the ultimate package for seniors cost $585 dollars...I just about had heart failure....I think we have settled on a package of $219 is the only way we get to have the pic we like the most in copies....That portrait company really knows how to make money...I cannot believe my baby is a is driving me crazy already. We also have to pay for a tribute page for her in the year book, which should cost around 175 includes 9 pictures of our choosing that we have, along with a poem and/or a letter to your we have to pay for a yearbook which is another 90 senior trips and prom and graduation...I do not remember all this with my boys....then again...they were not into much school spirit sort of stuff ... Last year school started the first week in August...this year they start on the 20th...They have senior pack day which is the 11th--catered to seniors to get their parking permits and lockers and schedules and other senior only privileges....she is excited about that. I think this is really going to be a very cool year for her ( at least that is what I am hoping for).
Hopefully this week or next we will attempt to go back to Lowe's and make the final arrangements for the kitchen...this is exciting...they will send someone to do the final measurements and then it only takes 1-3 weeks for everything to come in...actually it takes 1 week but one of our pieces will take 3 weeks because they do not carry that size...but by the end of 3 weeks everything will be delivered and they will install as soon as everything is here...I think it is the counter top that we have to wait 3 weeks on....the only reason we have not made the final arrangements yet is because of me....I just cannot get my head to come up with the courage to go out...but this week has been ok....I took Allen out for his birthday the other I am on a good roll...
My son Eric, will be home on August 17th for the weekend...he has some personal business to take care of and wants to help us get some wainscoting up in our hallway...and some panels up in our puter room... that will help us out a great deal...
Allen went and got a brand new recliner for old one was shot...I sleep in my recliner because I cannot lay down in a bed--can't breathe...and it just hurts my body too now I have a BIG COMFY RECLINER that is a dream to sit in and sleep in...OMG---pure heaven.
When I took Allen out to dinner I wanted to buy him some more clothes because he really does not have a lot...and Crystalyn still needed a few things for school....she now has all her school supplies...lots of NICE clothes, crazy T-shirts...and Allen indulged in some wacky T-shirts too...and some more shorts. So I think everyone is set....Eric called me and said he needed some nice going out GQ type shirts to go to the clubs and I bought him 4 shirts--Eric never asks me for things for if he asked he must really need them.
Allen's truck finally got fixed-at least the rear end....$930 was the final bill and we still have to get the transmission fixed in it..OMG....I am so tired of getting cars fixed.
Well I am tired now....and will try to get some sleep...I hope to be back soon...keep some positive thoughts coming my way...I so appreciate it!
Remember to HUG THOSE YOU LOVE.....PEACE!!!!