Wednesday, October 29, 2003


As you might have noticed...I am constantly listening to the news. The reason is because I am more homebound then I get to go out, I try to keep up with the world around me. It does not make me feel better to see suffering and terrible things going on...but it makes me realize how wonderful my life is. I think there are too many people out there who have forgotten the basics of human life-on living day to day. We are all so wrapped up in a crazy world were you can no longer leave your front door unlocked, nor can you just let you child go and play somewhere in the neighborhood. Most people are wrapped up in keeping up with the "jones" and getting deeper in debt, or trying to make sure that they and/or their children have the newest in gadgets that are out in the market. I am amazed to see the insanity in all that...and I just cannot figure out why everyone else cannot see it. Or can they? I guess I want everyone to enjoy the basics such as your hunnie walks by you and you grab their hand and dance to the music you hum...or you have a great pillow fight with your kids, or just make popcorn and watch a movie as a family. Do you really need a game cube to keep your children happy and satisfied? I remember great board games we used to play as a family growing up such as 'the game of life', or 'twister' or just plain cards. Maybe I am living in a fantasy world and hoping against hope but I think we should all just dance like no one is watching us anytime...laugh at ourselves all the time...hug each other every chance we get, take drives for the adventure of it and go back to the basics of real time with each other...SPREAD THE WORD--Get Back To Family Basics--PEACE!!!

Sunday, October 26, 2003


At least this weekend I did not totally waste it away....I actually got something done. I am so proud of myself. I worked on my nephew's webpages...because he has been so into having his own finally I have completed some pages. I still have to work on  some but at least it is up and running...PLEASE check it out for yourself ANTHONY'S PLACE. He is just way too excited for a five year old having a website...but whatever makes him happy makes me happy. I just could not sleep all night. Too much on my mind..too much to figure out. So I thought instead of just sitting there and letting my mind go crazy I would do something positive. I think today I will go out and take some serious pics of whatever tickles my fancy and see what I can come up with. I absolutely love my digital camera...that is another thing my hunnie bought for me to keep me busy and pursue since now I have to stay home.. he knows I love to take pictures of anything and everything so a digital camera fit the bill. It is a kodak dc4330 or something like that...the pics come out awesome and it even takes a short video if I want... just too many toy buttons to play with. If I take pics of anything interesting I will definitely post it here for all to see... at least that is my plan for now. Remember to turn your clocks back an hour.... wow I gained an hour of time and did not have to do anything-feels great...LOL..also of course I have to mention a bit of something about sports.... I was born and raised in the beautiful state of New York... It will always remain in my heart...but I have lived in the sunshine state for about 18 years now. Well the baseball world series just confused me because I really did not know who to cheer for... so I am so sorry will always be first in my all were the first baseball game I ever saw in person growing was awesome-but CONGRATS you Florida MARLINS.... I guess the sunshine state just might swipe all the big games this year afterall...Have a great sunday-PEACE!!!

Saturday, October 25, 2003


I am so BLESSED to have the wonderful children I do....they just picked up where I ended and have taken on cooking, cleaning, and running errands for me.... my hunnie has been with me at every single appointment, the ultimate in supportive and never once complained. I am so very BLESSED... and I know it. Without them I would have never made it this far. So as you can see I have a very full plate in my life. I am not looking for any miracles or any kind of sympathy... I just want to be back to "normal" as much as possible and enjoy the time I have left...whatever that may be. I would love to go shopping and not be in an electric wheelchair... I would even be happy just brushing my hair and not run out of breath... that is how bad it gets. But on the brighter side... I have an awesome family who have adjusted all their lives to make life as wonderful as it is around here. My hunnie changed an extra bedroom we had and made it into a puter room for me so that I could have a nice size T.V., my puter, his puter, my beautiful birds, and my recliner.... and the phone... so that they only reason I would have to leave the room is to go to the bathroom. Everyone comes and hangs out in this little room.... and it is wonderful... the DVD player is in here and my kids will make a ton of popcorn and we have movie nights... just because I could never sit at a movie theatre long enough without coughing my brains out. We have all adjusted... but a great price has been paid. Hopefully with this new doc I will be able to handle things more..we will see... I have left out alot of details of course about my illness... but I think you pretty much get the picture. I wanted to share my story with everyone because when I say Life Is Too Short... I should know... Enjoy every second you have with your children, your family, your friends... and remember to tell them all at least 100 times a day how much you love them.... Thanks for taking the time to read my story...PEACE!!!!!!


Now I am the first that successfully sued and won....some settled with far less... and the others are still fighting. My particular fight took over three years. In those three years I went to dozens of specialists, went through dozens and dozens of tests, put my family in deep financial straits, and dealt with the insanity of lawyers. In February of this year...we finally went to the final court-the one that the story is actually told at- and the decision was made instantly in my favor-never done before. That is how much evidence I had against them. It was incredible. They had me followed for 6 months video taping every move I made outside of my house. They would stop my meds for weeks at a time that I would become more ill again, of course they stopped paying my salary from the onset, they played with my mind and my welfare just to get me to give up. I know it may sound like I am paranoid but trust me.... The state knows no bounds. So my final diagnosis is...COPD brought on by BROCS which is the severe form of Sick Building Syndrome. My lungs are destroyed. There is so much scar tissue from being sick on and off all those years working in that office and such... that they have shortened my life span. The doctors do not know how long I could last really.... they said if I am lucky maybe 10 years-I know that sounds like a long time.... but not when you are in your early 40's... I may make it to my daughter's graduation.... there are no guareentees... so now if I survive.... I collect my salary until my retirement age...once I am gone my family will get it... and they have to pay for all of my medical care regarding my lungs. They also have to pay for all the medications and such that I am on... My medications cost approx. $1,300 a month-and that is on the low side... There are still downsides to this... all of my fingernails have fallen off and my legs are covered in sores... the skin on my arms are peeling as if I have had sunburn... and my vision had gotten progressively worse...of which now I have the onset of glaucoma because of the steroids they have kept me on for sooooo long. But with no steroids-no life.... those lil darn pills are keeping me going... but they are destroying me in other ways. (ONTO PART THREE)


Finally the weekend is here...I am relieved. Friday was quite a stressful day for me sort of speak. Because I am so sick-my lung specialist referred me to a psychiatrist because he feels that I would need someone to talk to and such because the quality of my life has changed, and it is alot to go through. Well friday was the day that I meet the doc. I never thought in a million years I would ever go see a psych doctor. I always thought I was pretty much in control of my life and my emotions and so on and so forth. But when the quality of your life has changed so dramatically and so permanently I guess you have no other alternative-just to keep your head above water. Well the doc was wonderful-funny and made me feel very comfortable so that is a major plus. He talked me through putting me on some medications to help even me out so that I am more able to concentrate on things and deal with every day life. I have no problem with it and it wasn't such a culture shock as I thought it was going to be. I am just so tired of not being the person I used to. I cannot even walk from one room to another without being out of breath and coughing to the point of choking. It really is driving me crazy. I accepted alot of things so far but I never knew all the things in life I would have to give up including some of my independence. I guess I owe everyone an explanation about "this illness" so I am going to attempt to make it short and sweet. (Grab a cup of coffee-because this is a good one--) During my employment with the DOC... I was exposed to black mold over a period of almost 7 years. I could see the stuff coming out of the AC vent in my tiny office yet NO ONE would do anything about it. The biggest thing that was attempted is that the maintenance dept would paint over the black stains that were left on the ceiling from the mold. Is this insane or what? To make a very very long fight with the state short... I had to sue them because they denied that their buildings were "sick". However-just to settle any questions on your mind-there are dozens of employees right now that are suing for the same reasons, are also dying from respiratory diseases, or have died. So this case is not as simple as they tried to come off as. (CONTINUE ON TO PART TWO)

Tuesday, October 21, 2003


Just sitting here.... going through a ton of email. I have lost count how many paint shop pro lists I am on but I am never ever without email. There are days I think I really need to get off of some lists because when I do not get online my mail becomes unbearable. It can even get overwhelming. Then there are days that I love going through email and taking my time and downloading stuff and so on. Geez-I wish I could make up my mind. Now so far this week has started off quiet so that is a good thing. I am glad...I think I have had enough excitement for now. I am working on an official page to introduce everyone to my soon as it is finished I will definitely let all you know. I am also working on a website for my lil guy. He sees that everyone else in the house makes their own or has their own and he wants one that he can share. So I am doing that also. When that is finished I will definitely post it here...I think it is going to be just TOO cute. He is actually helping me with it. He is picking out his pics and what he wants to say. He really floors me with his lil insight into life. I just thought of some news...I know I mentioned how we have way too many cars for one household-my hunnie and sons love to work on engines. Well I kept warning them that the county does not like cars in the front yard-but do you think anyone listened to me-NO...well the county was making its round and sure enough they tagged 7 of our cars..yes I said 7. So hunnie and the boys had 10 days to get rid of 7 cars or make them disappear so that the county does not see them. It has been a mad dash to insanity here. Personally I have sat back and watched...maybe next time they will listen to big mama here..well I am off to do more email..PEACE!!!!!!

Sunday, October 19, 2003


I realize I just dropped out of sight-for that I here has gotten abit chaotic for a while. I will try to explain without boring anyone-I have had my nephew since the end of May.... trying to help out his mom...His mom was staying at the apartment that they shared with some other people. Well she has decided it is time to come home. We have done this before- but this time it is overwhelming me...I think there can only be one queen in the house and that is me. Granted I am ill but I am not dead. And it is my house. But when others come in and try to take over and change the way things are done-I start to freak out because I just do not handle change very well. Sound foolish yet? Well now the lil guy is playing everyone against each other because he does not know who to listen to. Not for anything but it has taken us all summer to get him settled and to stop the crying fits and tantrums. But now they are back. She wants to take over my house but also at the same time-my kids and I are still the ones getting him up for school and getting him ready and giving him a bath at night and getting him ready for bed and so on and so forth-I am sure you are getting the point. I have tried to be polite in responding to all this but it does not seem to sink in. Anyway-thus the chaos. Well now I am just playing hermit in my lil puter room and letting all things go crazy. All my kids have been raised to speak their minds and say what is on their minds instead of playing games-so she has already come across that. When I am approach about things they are doing or saying or whatever it may be-my answer is simply- that I do not sweat the small stuff because I know they are good kids and I am not worried about that.... this is not satisfactory to her-OH WELL. I guess I could go on and on but it gives me a headache just thinking about all this garbage...I know this is just the beginning of the adventure-keep your fingers crossed because it is going to be a long ride-lol. I just needed to vent... and now I am off to watch some great football and do my own thing. Happy Sunday All-PEACE!!!!!!

Wednesday, October 15, 2003


Finally I made it on the puter to do some journaling and go through my email...again I slept most of the day-the worst time of year for me is when it is hot out and I have a cold or flu or seems the hot weather just makes you feel worse. I cannot believe we are just about half way through october and we are still sweltering in the heat here in the sunshine state. This is crazy-the dogs don't even want to be outside. To make matters just a tad worse-the ac unit in my puter room seems to want to give up the ghost. This just cannot be-Well anyway that explains the bouncie that I have on my journal this entry-because that is exactly how the heat makes you feel today. Lord I do miss those beautiful cool autumn nights..but I just cannot do snow (of which I have stated a dozen times I am sure). NEXT subject-I really have to get on the ball and start making more sig tags-I seem to have fallen behind. I love being creative that way. I also have to start taking pics again-now that I have let go for way toooo long. Did I mention before that I love paint shop pro (a type of art program) and I so love making tags and such. I think I am getting good at it but that is just my opinion. If you ever need a tag made for you or would like to see what kinds of art stuff I do just ask-I love to share. Well if someone has a solution to the heat here let me know-otherwise if you do not hear from me I have definitely withered away..PEACE!!!!

Monday, October 13, 2003


Another weekend has come and gone...and I totally wasted it away...this cold is really getting a hold of me and all I could do is sleep...but hopefully my body has gotten enough sleep. Things are quiet on the homefront. This weekend, everyone did their own thing-my kids are growing up faster then I realized. It feels like just yesterday I was taking everyone to their designated clubs, friend's houses, parks, whatever the case and today they are driving themselves, telling me they will see me by dinner time. WOW--I seem to have more free time then I know what to do with. I put the bouncies on this entry so that it would add a lil cheering up on a monday morning. I think these lil things are contagious...LOL. The only complaint I have lately is that I am waiting for the weather to cool is so hot and humid still in the good old sunshine state that I am praying for the day that I can wear sweatpants and get all cozy in bed...I guess I do prefer the colder weather-but I just cannot stand snow. I think I already wrote that previously...but cool weather and getting cozy is definitely my kind of weather. I am sure I will write more later...I can tell that I am not making much sense right now... so I will see you all later-PEACE!!!!!!

Friday, October 10, 2003


Allen has a great love of life and is highly dedicated to his family...we come first and foremost and are the only things on his mind...He has been in law enforcement for the last 18 years and only has 8 years left...that is when we plan on hopping on a motorcycle and travelling the states... going through the smokey mountains and just enjoying time with each other. Allen is definitely a big kid at heart and has a wonderful way of looking at life. The only thing that got me through the roughest times so far with my illness and the law suit was Allen-his strength and perseverance was never ending. He is a motor fool.... if he sees a car or motor he just has to play and fix and get down and dirty, but I realy do not mind...because both our hobbies always surround being at home and doing things with our kids. Everything we do we do with our kids...if our kids are not involved we are not involved and it has been a wonderful way to raise a family. He is the first to jump outside to do the family dance and definitely loves to embarass us all every chance just to get us to laugh- at first I thought I would never get over this but it is contagious and so fun to act so crazy. He really has made all my dreams come true and tries his best to make sure I always have a smile on my face. What a great way to live 24/7. Our kids also have the same philosophy- so if you are a friend of theirs you have to expect to be just as crazy and carefree as us.... it works in keeping a family together in such a negative world around us.I just wanted to share a small insight to this great man of mine...True Love Makes All Things Wonderful-PEACE!!!!


I guess it is time for me to fill everyone in on the Love of my Life...his name is Allen. We met at work...I do not suggest this as a regular place to meet but it happened. He apparently had been watching me for a long time because he was attracted to my long long hair... all the curls and such-and slowly but surely our jobs brought us together. Allen is a sargeant in law enforcement with the Department of Corrections. Not a officer-sargeant..apparently there is a difference. I was working in the mental health department as an institutional counselor implementing psychological tests on inmates just coming into the the job atmosphere is quite stressful and keeps you on your toes...well one thing of course led to another and we both knew deep in our hearts that we were soulmates..I really never thought I would believe in such a term but I do. He has brought a whole new meaning to my life of which I will be forever grateful. I know that I know that God has brought us together..we fit together perfectly like puzzle pieces. He has to be so serious and on top of things at work-but on the outside of those gates...he has the most wildest sense of humor I have ever come across. Read on to part two......

Wednesday, October 8, 2003


Okay..where was I...his mom only gave birth to this child but his heart is mine...he really can come out with some wild philosophies that make adults stop in their tracks. The only problem we have now is that Anthony is lighter and smaller then any dog we have at our every day when he arrives home he always winds up at the bottom of a dog pile up... they love him to death-probably because he is just about the same size as him...but he gets so frustrated because as in his words "they think I am their chew toy". What a kick...above are some typical pics of the lil guy. He loves to pose for the camera there is no problem there- and he has the family dance down to a a matter of fact when he comes home with good notes and such we all have to do the family dance...he can wiggle those He loves to get under cars and inside motors like the boys and Uncle Allen and get as dirty and grimmie so that he feels he is helping...he is now at a stag where he has heard friends of the kids call the older kids brothers or is that your sister? and such - so his new revelation is that since he has been living here so long he is also a brother .... and we need to get used to that..all this from a five year old. WOW he really amazes me. Well I think I pretty much summed up Anthony-and of course he will he about him off and on in my journal-he is such a key part to our lives.. PEACE!!!


Another day has gone by.... before I get into my lil story... I have slept the last 23 out of 24 hours...I think my body has finally given into being sick and now wants to rest and recover...(thank God) it took my body long enough to really relax...and the sleep felt wonderful. Believe it or not I am in very good spirits.... I have thought long and hard about my health and everything I have gone through.... and I am not done hang in there with me folks and just keep positive thoughts for me..Everything will be alright....My faith is going to carry me through all this. Okay- today's story has to do with my lil nephew...I already explained that he lives with started with a two week vacation to hang out in may and he is still here. Of course under my insistence. He belongs to my ex-sister in law (yes you read that right) but I have never and will never turn down family when they need is just not in me-she needed to get out of a drowning situation and I have a home that she can have also. This lil guy is 5 years old and his name is Anthony...the light of my life...he has taught me to look at life so differently that I owe him the world. He has such an energy and curiosity about life and how things are that it really makes me stop and I have taken some things for granted and he just relishes in it. Five year olds are wonderful. He just started kindergarden---it was rough the first three weeks of school-alot of acting out-alot of refusing to do anything but with alot of consistentcy and understanding all that is behind him and he is the teacher's delight. In the pic he is wearing my motorcycle cap being cool with his uncle as they fix our motorcycle- he believes that whatever the older kids are doing he can do really is a trip to watch (onto part two)....

Tuesday, October 7, 2003


For a couple of days now I have been trying to add entries to my journal but something wacky is going on ..... I have never seen such error messages and then tons of plus signs in between words...for about two hours I could not delete an entry because it threw all the entries out of whack for some reason... finally I got it deleted. I wonder what is happening. I wrote this long wonderful explanation about my nephew who lives with me.... but I am going to hold off on that because I do not know what is going to happen when I go to post this entry. I really did miss adding entries - how strange.... I guess I am hooked. Well I finally did see a doctor yesterday about my lungs and all- I have been going to see this doctor for three years now-he is a nice enough person and has never deceived me so I find him safe to go to....Well there was not a lot of good news.... I guess he is setting up some tests because he suspects that there is some sort of obstruction growing in my esophagus (did I spell that right) that is causing even more problems to my lungs...he also suspects that if he finds what he thinks is there- they will be sending it to a lab to see if it is cancerous. Yes the BIG 'C'...of course i cried all the way home and cried more when I got home and cried all night...but right now I am okay. For the last three years I have been fighting everything having to do with my lungs and have become stronger emotionally for it.... I just need to sort my feelings through and then move on with whatever is going to happen. Well..... outside of that dear ol' tampa bay bucs lost last night after leading the entire game until the last 4 minutes.... I just could not watch anymore....broke my heart to see the world champs lose what they had gained... well on with some email..more later-PEACE!!!!!

Saturday, October 4, 2003


What a crazy and insane day I have had...I am sure you all remember me saying that I was not feeling too well.... I have been fighting a heck of a disease and some days are better then others..well this week has been quite rough. I had a doctor's appointment today-Well we started off hunnie driving me to the appointment. The doctor is about 40 minutes from my house- Well we were three blocks away and the car died. Now if I was your normal person you would say why didn't you just walk the rest of the way...well I am not normal- I cannot breathe just going from one room in my house to another...much less walk three blocks in 95 degree temps uphill to the doc. The alternator died right in the middle of one of the busiest intersections...but fear not- the police and fire department just happen to show up-the police stopped all traffic and the firemen pushed the vechicle to the gas station right next to the intersection.WOW- what wonderful people they were. Then my hunnie had to walk about 1/2 a mile away to a auto parts store because the alternator needed to be replaced...then he had to walk back and then change parts. I call the doctor to tell them we are only 3 blocks away and I am coming...and he is gone...yes off to the hospital to do rounds...and the next available appointment is thanksgiving week. Well that put me over the edge- I feel so miserable and cannot see the doc. UNBELIEVEABLE. Well the doctor probably heard about me being sick and calling that he told his nurse to squeeze me first thing monday morning (Thank God) so I just have to make it through this weekend. Now doesn't that make for a great start to the weekend...the good news is that the car works good now-LOL. Even better news is that one of my sons was home when we finally made it there. He saw how sick I was and made a grocery list out and did all the grocery shopping for me so that I would not have to worry about it. WOW- am I blessed or what!!!!The other son came home and cleaned the house for me....and my daughter did laundry- I do not know what I would do without my kids-they are absolutely AWESOME!!! Well just wanted to share my adventures of today-PEACE!!!!!

Thursday, October 2, 2003


Well I think I am losing the battle abit here with getting sick... I am feeling abit draggy right I thought I would add an animated fairy so cheer me up at least while I write. I wanted to take a quick moment and express how I feel about people I have been meeting lately.... I found so many warm and wonderful people online that have started off as strangers yet have touched my life with some beautiful and kind words. People reading my journal and then emailing me or leaving me a message with words of encouragement and all. I realize that I mentioned all this the other day...but as times goes on and I hear from more and more people I am amazed that without meeting me people can sense who I am deep down through my writing and only have good things to say to me...I am just so floored by peoples' kindness and joyful words... WOW!!! It seems to escape me some simple thought or a few words to express what the kindess of others has made me feel. I know that everyone has their own lil soap opera going on in their lives, everyone does..that is just human nature...but just speaking for me..these positive words and kindness really have touched more then just my heart-they have started to help me heal emotionally from the battles I have been through the last three years being sick...I promise to go into this battle soon...but finally a small part of me is healing and feeling like it can get back to normal and that is the greatest gift someone could have given me. Not only can one person make a difference but simple kind words can save a life.... THANKS to all you special have reached out your hand and truly touched my heart....PEACE!!!!!

Wednesday, October 1, 2003


WOW... this year is really flying by, I feel like I have missed something. October is a wonderful month I think...up north the leaves start changing to the most beautiful colors God has ever created and in the can actually go outside and tolerate the temps. I think that is what I miss most about living up north-I am originally from New York..born and raised there-never thought I would leave there-but here I am in the sunshine state..Like I was saying-I miss the leaves changing colors and the air getting that cool nip that you have to start wearing your favorite sweaters and snuggling. I definitely do not miss snow tho...I think I have shovelled enough snow to last me a lifetime, I really dislike driving in it, shoveling it, and walking in it. I went to college at the University of Buffalo and that has got to be the snow capital of the U.S.. I think the only month I never saw snow was in July. Blizzards up there were just a part of everyday life and the city would rarely close down. Walking through all that white stuff just to get to classes would make me crazy....I think that is why the sunshine state appealed to me.... I absolutely love the beaches and the ocean... the sound of waves is the most hypnotic and peaceful sound I have ever come across. Just walking along a beach makes life seem so at ease and quiet. I live about 20-25 minutes from the beach so if I ever get the itch to just get away from it all that is where I head to. Now it is time to scope out the pumpkin patch farms and get some enormous pumpkins to decorate. My teenagers like to do the carving but the excitement is not the same for them anymore. But we have my 5 year old nephew living with us-so he is all into the pumpkins looking wild and the fun of picking them out- seeing life through his eyes really makes everyday things so much more special. Well I think I will go through the newspaper and see what farms are starting their programs here... enjoy the colors of fall-PEACE!!!!!!