Wednesday, August 15, 2007


Did I ever tell you all about my fears....some people are scared of heights...nope not the feeling of being high up...I also have no fear of flying...have been in some terrible storms in planes but it just does not phase me....not afraid of spiders...I cannot stand them but have no fear of fear is FIRE...when I was 8 we had just moved from White Plains NY to Croton on the Hudson NY...about an hour or so apart....we were in our new home for about 3 months mom, brother and I were out back sitting and talking when I noticed LOTS of black smoke pouring out of the kitchen vent..(the kitchen door was right there where we were sitting..) well my mom opened the kitchen door and the smoke bellowed out...I was screaming to the neighbors on one side and my mom went screaming to neighbors on the other side....I (like a fool) went running through the kitchen to go to the basement to save my guinea pig.....never thinking I could die in the fire....neighbors started with the hoses on the fire and then the fire department showed up (they were FAST)...needless to say....the house smelled of smoke for a long time...everything had to be painted again...rugs replaced...and a whole new kitchen put in...the fire directly effected only the kitchen but everything smelled of smoke beyond repair. No one was dad arrived from work just as things got settled down...I saw the fear in his eyes thinking that one of us might have been hurt...but I saved my guinea pig....her name was juanita...too cute...but anyway, I digress...ever since then I have this fear of fire--just do not trust anything about it...sure enough when I moved into my own place away from my first husband...the majority of my belongings were still at the place where he was...he was taking his sweet time bringing me my things (I had no car at the time-to do it myself) and again I am faced with my fear...a fire broke out at his place and everything was lost....everything burnt to the ground...I lost my life of memories...just devastated me....NOW....that is twice...and the fear has only grown....
I tell you all this (if you have been able to follow my poor excuse of story telling) because in the wee hours of this morning....I decided to try and I have said in previous entries--I cannot sleep...but I decided to lay back in the recliner and just shut my eyes and concentrate on my breathing and think of nothing....well all of a sudden I had this "vision" (lack of a better explanation) and saw my daughter's room catch on fire...from her AC window unit...I have no idea because it was not giving us trouble or anything, it had not even been a concern until I saw this "vision". Well of course that kind of thought just had my insides panicking...and rest was not to be the anxiety is setting in because every time I closed my eyes all I could see was my daughter's room on fire...
I decided to just watch some mindless thing on TV and keep an ear out...keep my nose alert....about 4-5 hours later my daughter comes screaming in the puter room to tell me that her AC has caught on fire and her wall is on fire...OMG.....I thought my heart was going to go through my chest...she managed to put it out with blankets...and I told her to wake up her dad so that he could see what is going on....well he checked things out and said he would remove the outlet and replace it and throw away the AC unit ....well we were chatting along (about an hour or so later still about things) when my daughter comes in and says that now all the electric is out in her room...before it was just that one outlet...but her room and the bathroom have no power...I become a MAJOR itch and go crazy on Allen and tell him to check the breakers...find out what the hell is going on because I now think we are going to lose the house to a fire if something is not done. To make a very long and stress filled day short...Allen replaced the outlet and the breaker and all is functioning well...I am now not going to be able to sleep because I just am TERRIFIED that something else will happen.
What is up with me having this "Vision"--I saw it so clear and it scares me that it actually I am afraid of closing my eyes...!!
Now--of course in my life, that is just topping my week...two days ago...we were again just hanging around when my daughter said she tried to get some water and there was NO WATER...I said that is crazy...our well is not that old..we just had the damn thing done witnin the last year...well to make this story that is VERY LONG very short...due to rains and such our pump started caving into a hole in the ground near the well....and it pulled the pump pipes apart, actually snapped them...water shooting all over--back yard flooded...and no water in the house...I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING!!!!!
So Allen had to make an emergency run to the farm store and get some pipes and such and repair the pipes to the well and pump so we could get our water back on...after about 3 hours...water has returned....UNBELIEVEABLE....
So now I am more of a wreck then before....just cannot get my mind to settle enough to just relax...scared out of my wits and the panic attacks have been constant and harsh. Makes for a very stressful family life...I am making everyone crazy and on edge...truly--at points like this--I think sometimes it might be better if I just moved out and lived by myself so that everyone else can live a normal life and they would not have to deal with me and my demons!
Well--how has your week been? More from me later---Remember to HUG those you LOVE...Time is so Precious!!!


my78novata said...

When I was pg with my oldest we had a fired I woke up to smoke almost level with my face and I was laying on the bed. I had to grab my three story home made hampsters cage and get up husband and head up the road to moms to call 911. I wake up and even smell smoke from a fire place someone has that has seeped in my house and I get paranoid. I am also terrified of drowning in water from a car wreck. I ll swim out far tothe middle of a lake and have no fear of water to boat but in a car when I pass water I get paranoid

mynamebecj said...

Ellie, you never have a dull moment around your house do you?  I understand your fears of fire, having had two home fires in my lifetime.  
I used to have a horrible fear of heights, but I fought a hard battle and finally conquered that fear.  I am terrified of my son and water combination.  Five times I had nightmares when he was younger where I saw my son die, every time dealing with water.  Imagine my fear when he became a bridge builder.  I don't think I will ever feel comfortable about him being out there building those.  He did fall off one once and landed between two barges.  He was nearly crushed to death.  His father-in-law, who was his foreman nearly rung his neck after for scaring him so badly, he was sure Scott was a goner.
You fears are legitimate, don't you dare let yourself start thinking you would be better to be on your own so you don't make them all crazy.  You just manage to make life more exciting is all.  They love you and they understand that sometimes things get a little crazier than other times.
Love ya twin,