Wednesday, August 1, 2007

I AM HERE AGAIN

 

I know I know I know--again I seem to go missing for a while.....it has been a bit rough for me emotionally lately....nothing is wrong at home....just inside my head....still fighting that demon and it is winning lately.
It is so very hard to explain to people that do not suffer from severe clinical depression....trust me....count your blessings....it just seems to overtake your life and fighting it seems endless....I have had a couple of good days here and there....that is when I am able to go outside and see the front of my house at least....just opening up the front door is overwhelming....I truly just HATE myself at those points. Actually hating myself is the least of my problems.
A prime example (on top of the depression) is I get up from my puter to go to the bathroom...which is the next room...then I come back into the puter room and I am OUT OF BREATH....so much so that it throws me into a panic attack...it takes me a while to calm down from that and then I am wiped of any energy. That is the COPD that I am fighting....then...if I take in a breathe too fast to speak...I choke...yes choke....then that is when the anxiety sets in because I cannot speak....nothing comes out except coughing and choking....so I have to settle myself down in order to say something....now my family is quite used to it-but when you are on the phone talking to someone or in a store talking to the cashier or whoever or in a restaurant ordering food...this just brings on the anxiety even more....that is what I live with on a basic level....of course there are other things...but those are just the highlights from the last 24 hours....it is now the early morning hours....and I talked to myself all day how I really wanted to write another entry in my journal...and that is why I am here now....of course while sitting here I cry...it just overwhelms me...GOD --- I HATE WHEN I AM LIKE THIS!!!
Okay--a bit of news on the home front--the roof of our house got fixed....I am a happy camper...so now there are no leaks...yayayay...so I am ready for rain...which BTW..is the next thing...it has been storming here every day..which is typical of our summers....but my dsl for some reason is having a difficult time recovering from the storms....nothing is wrong with the dsl...but AT&T has merged with BellSouth...and we have had nothing but problems with the dsl since then....geez...I am just too tired to deal with any of it...so basically from about 11 in the morning to about 8 or 9 at night...the dsl is very iffy.
I did managed to order Crystalyn's school ring since she is a senior....and it arrived last week...she is such a happy camper and it really is a cute ring.
Here is a pic of it...hers is in white gold...with a blue sapphire stone...she loves it:
 
Also her senior portraits have come in....as soon as we get back the final pics I will upload her pic but......OMG---the ultimate package for seniors cost $585 dollars...I just about had heart failure....I think we have settled on a package of $219 dollars...it is the only way we get to have the pic we like the most in copies....That portrait company really knows how to make money...I cannot believe my baby is a senior....it is driving me crazy already. We also have to pay for a tribute page for her in the year book, which should cost around 175 dollars...it includes 9 pictures of our choosing that we have, along with a poem and/or a letter to your child...plus we have to pay for a yearbook which is another 90 dollars...plus senior trips and prom and graduation...I do not remember all this with my boys....then again...they were not into much school spirit sort of stuff ... Last year school started the first week in August...this year they start on the 20th...They have senior pack day which is the 11th--catered to seniors to get their parking permits and lockers and schedules and other senior only privileges....she is excited about that. I think this is really going to be a very cool year for her ( at least that is what I am hoping for).
Hopefully this week or next we will attempt to go back to Lowe's and make the final arrangements for the kitchen...this is exciting...they will send someone to do the final measurements and then it only takes 1-3 weeks for everything to come in...actually it takes 1 week but one of our pieces will take 3 weeks because they do not carry that size...but by the end of 3 weeks everything will be delivered and they will install as soon as everything is here...I think it is the counter top that we have to wait 3 weeks on....the only reason we have not made the final arrangements yet is because of me....I just cannot get my head to come up with the courage to go out...but this week has been ok....I took Allen out for his birthday the other day....so I am on a good roll...
 
My son Eric, will be home on August 17th for the weekend...he has some personal business to take care of and wants to help us get some wainscoting up in our hallway...and some panels up in our puter room... that will help us out a great deal...
Allen went and got a brand new recliner for me...my old one was shot...I sleep in my recliner because I cannot lay down in a bed--can't breathe...and it just hurts my body too much...so now I have a BIG COMFY RECLINER that is a dream to sit in and sleep in...OMG---pure heaven.
When I took Allen out to dinner I wanted to buy him some more clothes because he really does not have a lot...and Crystalyn still needed a few things for school....she now has all her school supplies...lots of NICE clothes, crazy T-shirts...and Allen indulged in some wacky T-shirts too...and some more shorts. So I think everyone is set....Eric called me and said he needed some nice going out shirts...like GQ type shirts to go to the clubs and such...so I bought him 4 shirts--Eric never asks me for things for himself...so if he asked he must really need them.
Allen's truck finally got fixed-at least the rear end....$930 was the final bill and we still have to get the transmission fixed in it..OMG....I am so tired of getting cars fixed.
Well I am tired now....and will try to get some sleep...I hope to be back soon...keep some positive thoughts coming my way...I so appreciate it!
Remember to HUG THOSE YOU LOVE.....PEACE!!!!

8 comments:

my78novata said...

Finally I got in. !!!!!!!!!!! ALL morning kept syaing journals timed out. Well anwyay............ I knwoyour deal. I hate when I say I hate functions and ogng to them and people tlel me!!!!!!! I hate it too!!!!!!!!!! I dont like it either. GRRRRRRR its different. I mean at hte aution at hte fellowship I went behind Todds car and cried. !!!!!!!!!  it was overwhelming. mine is not as bad as yours. htough I notice I have backed off j land over the time. I have trouble breathing too. HEY glad you got some wacky shirts now share pics and so glad your son will be coming home nad the ring is pretty but share pics of your pretty daughter. YES the schools seem more and more to find ways to get you tospend money!!!!!! about the DSL YES since spring when att took over MY DSL has not been the same. around 3:30 to 7 or 8 in the afternoon and any more 9 or 10 its crap. I have been going to call them and gripe but just too busy with mom so sick and so much this summer. what good wuld it do. I heard from antoher j lander that when she complained they tried to get her to use thier new.......... all in one dsl and router thing. no need for two boxes and it worked for her. We have the moden and router becuase we have four pc's. and I do notice that is what happens the router and modem quit talking alot. I can reset it and get a good signal for a while. but they wanted her to pay she finally got it free by arguing but who has time for that crap. why cant it work like when it was bell south and OH YES the service stinks!!!!!!!!!! now!!!!!!!!!!! It really does. Im glad you said somethingabout this.

nightmaremom said...

sorry you aren't feeling up to par... hope things get better and fast!  
d

jeadie05 said...

Your feelings of breathless ness and all the rest are horific, I know !,feel better soon ,though having said that its not that simple is it ? love your daughters ring ,shcool days are expensive arent they ? ...love Jan xx

seraphoflove9001 said...

Boy...can I relate with you! I don't like crowds and at times I just feel like screaming. I do hope that you will feel better. ;o) I'll keep you in my prayers and send you some good vibes! {{{Ellie}}}.
Lisa

dcmeyer420 said...

Hope you feel better soon. Clinical depression is the pits, no pun intended. I do not suffer from it but know loved ones who do. They describe it as hell on earth and there is nothing much you can do about it when it strikes. Sometimes changing meds or meds dosage helps. Isn't this going to school thing expensive? I remember the expenses for my daughter's senior year. Glad everyone got clothes and the kitchen plan is going well.  Do not worry about taking hiatus from journaling, I'll be here when you update. Actually, I have not had the time to journal lately. Life had been hectic... Hugs to you and your family.  

tendernoggle said...

Hi Ellie, so sorry your depression has reared it's head again...I know how it is...believe me.
You know, with your medical condition, your doctor may be able to order you a hospital like bed that lets up and down so you could breathe better...my mom had one.
Hope you get to feeling lots better Ellie!
love ya,
carlene

drkennygscott said...

Hello Ellie:
Well I have severe emphysema which is a COPD and I know what you speak of.  The panic is dreadfull sometimes leading to more shortness of breath.  But I have found that I can make folks stop bugging me with their concern (which is real) by holding up an index finger and muttering something "hold on, ok" or whatever.  Then I can relax and come back.  It does take a while sometimes but it works.  Are you on Oxygen therapy?  I am and it is very helpful - it also alerts folks to our condition and I'm not embarassed by it seen in public if need be.  Is your Dr. sympathetic to your COPD?  Mine is not and I am looking to replace him.

csandhollow said...

We will be here. I do understand.
They do their best to RIP OFF the parents of seniors.