Monday, March 12, 2007



It was August 1989...I went for a doctor's visit because
I had gotten a nasty cough and since I was having a
terrible time with my pregnancy, the doctors wanted
to see me. I was 5 months pregnant with twins.
I remember the JOY and THRILL I felt when I
found out I was pregnant and to find out it was
Twins was a double Blessing.
I went to meet with the specialist at the Hospital
since that is where he was doing rounds.
Well after a quick examination and lots of talk among
the doctors... they said I was not going anywhere.
I was in Labor. I had started to dialate.
The greatest fear ran thru my mind...Terrified that I would
lose my babies ... my nightmare began.
To make the longest month of my life short...after one week
of being in the hospital my gall bladder had
become so diseased that they had to perform
emergency surgery to remove it.
During my stay they also found out that
thru medication that I was allergic to
I had contracted Hepatitis.
Also some other medication that the doctors
had given me I was soooo allergic to
that I had experienced several mini heart attacks.
So many other things went one knew if
I would survive nor the twins.
Well after fighting for a month to avoid delivering early
the fight was over.
The decision was made on September 18,1989
to let me deliver at 6 months.
At 4:45am on September 19,1989
I delivered twins by c-section because our
little girl was breach.
The first out was Joshua, 1.8 pounds
So small so peaceful so perfect in my eyes.
Then came Crystalyn, 2.0 pounds
So small and full of spunk so perfect in my eyes.
They spent the next 2 months in the
hospital...they were not allowed to
come home until they were at least 4 pounds in weight.
It seemed like everyday there was another
crisis with the babies.
Every night we went to spend hours just looking
at them.
They were fighters though..nothing could keep them down.
We brought them home November 1st 1989.
A true day of celebration.
I did not care that they had to come home
on heart monitors.
Just as long as I finally got to bring them home.
Every friday we would have to go to the doctors.
The best Christmas present I ever had was
having them home.
The alarms would go off....and everytime I would
age...the sound became my worst mightmare.
In february 1990...Joshua was having a tough time
too many alarms and his breathing was
straining him, He had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
After a couple of days we got to bring him home.
Well Joshua really never regained his strength.
On the morning of March 8 1990 I woke up to
Joshua crying really hard...which was unusual for him.
I picked him up and we walked the house
looking for his pacifier.
I told him I was going to put him down in bed so that
I could get his bottle.
Then we had to leave to go to the doctor's again.
I put him down...picked up his bottle from the kitchen
and when I returned to his room...he was blue.
I remember very little after that.
Started CPR...called 911
was rushed to the hospital by ambulance.
And 45 minutes later the doctors came in to tell me
he was gone. There was nothing that they could do.
I remember not being allowed to leave the hospital until
the coroner and some investigators got there.
I remember being very confused.
Life seem to go in very slow motion.
I do remember being told by the police and the coroner
that according to state law I am guilty in the death of my son
until thru an autopsy I could be proven innocent.
The coroner and doctors and investigators tried to trip me up
with their questions...checking to see if my story stayed the same.
They did discover that my husband (the jerk) at the time DID NOTHING
for their care...he did know the name of any medications or their schedule or
the names of their doctors or it all rested on my shoulders.While they were questioning me...they sent more
investigators to my house and treated it like a crime scene. Took samples of everything..took bedsheets, formula, medictaions, everything..
After being questioned for what seemed
for hours I was allowed to go home.
The priliminary autopsy proved that I was innocent.
The final autopsy that was given 2 months later
said that Joshua had died of S.I.D.S.
(Sudden Infant Death Syndrome)
Complications due to premature birth.
Nothing will ever be the same for me.
Nothing could ever help me understand
how that could happen to my baby boy.
The one who fought all the odds, the one
whose spirit was so peaceful and so loving.
He was lost to such a mystery.
After that every time I looked in Crystalyn's eyes
I could see Joshua.
Everything that I had, I had for two..I now only needed for one.
I had wonderful friends who were there for me.
I know I would have never made it without them.
I really did not want to go on without Joshua.
He was the weakest of the two...but there was
something so special and different about him.
Then after a time period of being just numb..
I had realized that I still had a baby to care for.
Crystalyn I know was my only reason for living.
She made me want to wake up every morning.
To almost make up for lost time with Joshua.
I will forever miss Joshua.
There are just no words to describe the emptiness
and loss of him.
Crystalyn is now 17 years old and
The Light Of My Life.
Without her I would not have made it this far.
We have a special bond that
no one but the two of us can understand.
Once in a while she will tell me about
something that Joshua has told her or she knows he
is doing.
I am a firm believer that He has become her
Guardian Angel.
So I know he is always around.

**There is so much more to our story....but this is all I have ever been able to bring myself to write about...17 years later and it still hurts as if it happened yesterday!.....Every year...his birthday, the day he died, Christmas...I go visit him at the may sound strange to some...but right now it is all I have...and I cling on to it.**

I remember more this time of year...every year...the tears still roll down my face...the hurt still stings my heart...the sorrow still fills my soul...and then I have to begin again to move on.



emabecmar said...

he was an adorable lil boy. i am so sorry you lost him. i also believe that if a child is a twin they have a sort of sense about them and can feel or hear even see the other twin when things happen to them. my cousin is a twin and she experiences things since her brother died a couple years ago. she can actually smell his cologne when ever she thinks about him or is depressed. God bless your lil angel and your family too.

my78novata said...

ah such a sad story. how aweful you were treated like a crimnal. that is just horrible. should be innocent till proven guilty. You know what............ I think I can udnerstand why you are so that you dont like to leave your house. I had a devastating thing like that happen to me once. It involved such things like you have talked about and sincethen I have slowely become more and more of a loner than I ever was. I can totally understand that you prefer home than outa nd about. He is a beuatiful baby!!!!!!

jeadie05 said...

Oh my dear ,this must have cost you alot of pain to write this down ,not only did you lose your beloved son ,you were accused of these tereble things ,how did you get through it ? well you did for your daughter ,bless you both ,thanks for sharing Jan xx

mynamebecj said...

My dear Ellie, I have known this story for years, but no matter how long I've known, it still brings tears each time I read it again.  All parents that lose a child should be so blessed to have one as special as Crystalyn still with them.  I have seen that bond the two of you have, I am so happy for you that you have that with your daughter.  I am so happy for both of you that Joshua is and always will still be there with you all.  You are right, the pain will always be there, but just continue to cherish the memories of the short time you had with him and continue to build on those memories through the heart of your beautiful daughter.

Love you,

ukgal36 said...

I am so sorry..what a sad sad story... God bless you and your beautiful babies.. the one you lost and your beautiful daughter...

drb1064 said...

I stopped by to say hi and thank you for the lovely tags you sent me this week. I was very moved by your story the loss of a child must be a truely unbearable pain, I am so glad to read that you and your daughter are so close she must have been a great comfort to you over the years.
Best wishes
Debbie xxx

talentmatterslv said...

Hi Ellie,

I want to let you know what a gift you and Joshua have given to the world.  By your sharing your story, other people who have experienced a similar tragedy will feel comforted just in knowing they're not alone, and that they will make it through.  I found that out when I blogged about losing my brother to a drug overdose - people from all over wrote to thank me for having the courage to share such intimate grief and despair.  In my words, they found solace.  You have done the same thing, and I'm sure you've helped many, many people hang on when they just didn't feel they could.

I'm glad I found your journal - it is really lovely, and you're making important contributions to the world.  That's a gift.

Stay strong, and keep sharing the contents of your heart!  Take care!


dcmeyer420 said...

This post brought tears to my eyes. I can't even begin to imagine how I will feel if I lose one of my children. Hugs to you and your family.

csandhollow said...

I was not able to comment the first couple of times I read this entry. You were blessed with your Joshua for such a short time. I am glad that you did have that time.