Friday, February 10, 2006


Hi One and All----yes believe it or not - it is me again....I cannot promise how long I will be here but for this moment I am here. First I want to THANK all of you that have written to me and/or left comments and such.

I wish I could respond but my mind is just too stressed and confused to do anything in order or simply. I have been in a downward spin for quite some time now....I think that happens or is expected when one is severely depressed. I know I am but right now I do not have the emotional strength to pull myself out of it.

I have been to doctors...I am tired of pills, I am tired of talking to doctors....
Right now the only thing I can do is cry...and worry and think way tooooo much.
I am not laying this on anyone....but since it is my journal...and I can say what is on my mind then people have the right to read it or not...

I must sound like I am feeling sorry for myself and pathetic....but right now emotionally there is nothing left in me. Trust me there have been some close calls to giving up and that scares me to death. The ONLY thing keeping me alive is my hunnie and my daughter...that is it. Pathetic aren't I?

Sorry I cannot be more cheerful or fill you in on a funny story....because nothing is funny. Nothing is worth talking about.

I have tried to stay creative so that it keeps my mind busy...but that is slowly fading away....
On top of all this...I know I have mentioned that I have anxiety attacks about going out...well I do not answer phones and I do not go to the door....I have not seen the front of my house in quite a while.I cannot take care of anything including myself.

I will say I tired just plain tired...and I do not know how to get happy.

Sorry to be bringing anyone down...I do not mean to...just sharing where my head has been at and why I have not written in my journal for quite some time. It is hard for me to sit here and type about me...or just plain type...but I thought I owed you all a HELLO and an explanation about me.

I have been keeping up with everyone's journal...I just do not leave comments...I am at a loss for words.

Please remember to HUG someone you LOVE....See you on the flip side!!!!


my78novata said...

A few years ago I was near the edge leaving a note on my pc and getting ready to end it all . suddenly (i worked so hard at getting the family gone the girls and Todd ) at my feet Pepper had a seizure. I look back and I see I would have missed so many things . I was needed more than I could ever know. I thought my kids being grown did not need me but they do. I would have missed so much {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}} I had to shake it off myself. I still dont like to go out much. I am a homebody but things have turned around

onestrangecat said...

I know how you feel.  I suffer from major depression and there have been times when I thought I couldn't go on but somehow I did.  And you will too.  
Keeping you in my prayers.


alandcj4u said...

My beautiful twin.  I so wish there were something I could say or do to help you.  It breaks my heart to know you are going through this.  Just know that I am always here for you.  Lean on me anytime you need to.  You are always in my prayers.  I love you twin.

dcmeyer420 said...

Praying for you, Ellie. I just want to tell you that I am here for you if you need anything. Hope you'll feel better soon.

joyanhope said...

Our hearts are still with you, caring and waiting for this to pass...and it will.  joy

joyanhope said...

Hi sweetie, just passing through to say you're in my thoughts and prayers ALL the time.. I want so badly for you to feel better and be healed of your condition.  I too have trouble "staying upbeat"...and on my feet, but I know mine is NOTHING to what you go through..   Maybe Spring and the flowers blooming will bring relief.  I hope for you, in so many ways. I really do. Think of what it will be like to have grandbabies one day maybe.  It is priceless!  We are about to have #1 great grand! A boy.

I get blue at the drop of a hat _winter and a dear old hubby who wants to be waited on A LOT...and right now I am blue over the silliest thing.  We put down that laminate wood flooring all over the house_and well, I have a dog and cat in the's fine but lil' doggie-girl wets the floor ocassionally no matter how many times I let her out and guess what?  The flooring buckles (name brand expensive stuff!)_and makes puckers in the flooring.  Also had a jug of water get a hole in it (left over from Rita)_and it puckered the floor too.
I guess this wouldn't be so bad if we could do something else but being retired_we're stuck with it.  So anyone considering this floor should think about kids and doggies and broken pipes (I shudder to think!), and dishwashers etc.

My sister-in-law just came home from a trip to discover their hot water heater had burst and there was two to three inches of water in their house.  Big Bummer!!!So sorry I rattled on, but I'm just a chatterbox. Love and hugs, joy

tschamberland said...

Having the motivation to vent through writing is a good thing.  All my best to you during this time of inner unrest.