Sunday, April 16, 2006









Hello One And All-

Yes again I disappeared...somewhat intentionally somewhat in despair...I needed timeout for me...I do not know how long I will be about...I wanted to write today for alot of reasons which eventually I will get into...but I felt sort of lonely today and thought writing might help. I have been doing LOTS of thinking (I know you all could smell the hair burning) and I have also been trying to deal with me and the world around me. It does sound so dramatic but it is true. Perhaps I have been on a self pity party...but at this point I am tired of being strong and trying to stay positive for appearance sake.
I have had so many ups and downs...and just when I thought it would be ok to come back and write some more...I could not. I could not find the courage from within to sit and write what was going on in my head because I did not understand it - I still do not understand it...but TODAY I am more accepting of that. It has taken me this long to accept that I am down...depressed and not the same person I was before I became ill. I know that I am tired of trying to pretend that everything is ok because it isn't. I have not been to the psychiatrist since January...I just cannot get myself to conjure up enough courage to go just to be seen for 45 seconds for him to say, "How are you?" and me say, "The same"...and then he writes out the prescriptions for another month. I just cannot do it....I am being kept drugged up and nothing is working. I am not getting any better...but he is getting paid a pretty penny or two for those words of wisdom. I know I was getting worse because the thought of taking my own life invaded my mind 24/7. I am just tired of the pain and tired of being me. But TODAY I am that is saying alot.

A very nice lady that I met through one of the groups that I belong to committed suicide friday when her husband left her. That kind of woke me up abit...I never think of my hunnie and my kids because the devastation I feel from the pain and hopelessness seems to push those thoughts away.
But TODAY I am I am going with that feeling for as long as it lasts.

I turned 46 on March 2nd. The best gift I got was one of my sons (Eric) called me from his job and sang Happy Birthday to me...that was just so awesome...the year before he forgot my birthday so of course he had to do something I would remember for sure and it worked. There is a quote I saw that said: "I am not 40 something, I am 39.95 plus tax" Now that I can live with...LOL.

I have been working abit on my artist trading cards...I am finding that it is a bit theraputic. I also have been writing alot of poetry and making more scrapbook I am keeping busy somewhat. My twin boys turned 21 on March 28th. that made me feel old. My son AJ (Allen jr) is in the Army and is graduating on May 5th. My hunnie is going to the graduation and taking pictures...I just cannot go...too much fear for me. After graduation he has 12 weeks of training in whatever field it is he has chosen and then he gets to go back home. After that we have not heard anything. My son Eric is getting ready to enter the marines or army...he has not made a definite choice yet. I guess he is waiting on the best offer, sort of speak. I am sure by the summer he will probably be entering in the armed services. I only wish the best for both of them. They seem to follow the same is interesting to say the least. My daughter has been dating a cutie...very nice young man. He is just head over heels for her and treats her like is too cute. She has about 6 weeks of school left and then she out for the summer.Here they get out of school around the third week of May....But they start school one week into august.

My hunnie is doing good. He has been suffering from severe migraine headaches for quite sometime now. They have been trying different kinds of medication on him to see if they can find a combination that works. He had a cat scan done last thursday so we are waiting on the results from that. Keep a postive thought for him. He is still working in corrections...but only has three years left I think until retirement...I cannot wait for that. The state has become a very political place to work and just the back stabbing could drive someone to an early grave. I cannot wait until he is out of that insanity.

Presently we are redoing our dinning room to make it into our computer room...we need more space and I want to add a crafts table with my computer so that everything I need is right around me. It is a slow process here but it is coming along. At least we got rid of alot of junk so that is something.

My parents are doing ok living down south. I have not been to their place yet. My daughter spent days there (spring break) and she had a great time. Of course they spoiled her...but she is their life. My brother and his family and my sister and hers invite my parents to all sorts of activities so they are keeping them busy. I am glad that at least my parents are spending time with their grandchildren and great grand children...they needed that.
Well I shall be much to say and not enough time to say it in...
Take Care Dear Friends


boiseladie said...

Well, Hello!  Welcome back, again.

csandhollow said...

I am so glad to hear from you! Please find another doctor! That quack is not a doctor! If you can't do it then talk to your hunnie and ask hime to find another for you. PLease., I really don't want to lose you.

onestrangecat said...

so glad to see an entry!
i totally understand depression, it will take everything away from you if it can.  you need a doctor that will talk to you and help you work out the best meds for you.  
praying for you,