YES I AM HERE

Yes I know – I seem to just pick up and leave without any notice…this happens for many reasons of which I may touch on some in this entry.

We are still alive and well  - all is fairly good…I will try and remember some highlights..

***My son stationed in Arizona will be graduating from his AIT (specialty in the army-job) training on November 8th. Then early morning of the 9th he will be heading here, home sweet home. He is driving here; he plans to make the trip in two days (a lil over 2000 miles). The reason is because he has officially received his orders and yes he is heading out for Japan. That is where he will be stationed, but his work in Intelligence and Interrogation will take place in the Philippines. Now we all know what kind of work that entails and who it entails so enough said. I am happy for him because he gets to discover other countries, but my heart is breaking. I worry about his safety and well-being. I have been unable to really talk about it because not being able to see him for at least two years will make me crazy. We are buying him a web cam so we can see each other when he gets the chance to get online. Right now we have no idea how often that will be or what kind of connection he will have. We have booked his flight reservations back to Arizona for November 17th – he flies out of Arizona before the crack of dawn on the 18th. They have a army liaison at the airport that will make sure he gets a complimentary room to catch some sleep before flying out. He is driving here because he will leave his car with us. The army told him to store it in California but when Eric asked about if it will be maintained or if someone will at least start it up once a month the army said NO…you just leave it there and it stays untouched. Well Eric said forget it I will store it in Orlando. So they give him a couple of days to drive here to store it! That way his dad will start it up a couple of times a month and maintain it for him. It will be such a blessing to see him…and try to squeeze in as much family time as possible with him. I just know though when it comes time to say good-bye – my heart will break. Just thinking about it makes me start crying.

***I have been calling my parents every week or so, staying in touch, and it is tearing me up inside that they truly are losing all train of thought. They become confused constantly. They cannot remember from one minute to another what is being said. It just terrifies me. I think I may have mentioned that my brother is trying to CON them into giving up their car because he says that my dad gets lost all the time. That is fine and well…but if that happens then when my parents need just a gallon of milk they will have to wait until someone can take a minute out of their day to take them to the store. I know that won’t be my brother, he life is just too full and my parents are not his priority. My brother tried to tell me about what is happening with my folks and I told him I understood because they were getting like that when they lived up here…he told me he finds it hard to believe that I even dealt with my parents in that state of mind. HE JUST TICKS ME OFF!!! I am so done trying to be cordial to him. I am tired of his condescending remarks. I am trying to arrange right now for my daughter to stay with my folks for a week during Thanksgiving break. This year because we have had no hurricanes (thank God) the school system did not have to call off school…so now they have to return the days to the kids. So the weekend before Thanksgiving and that whole week and the weekend after, Crystalyn has no school. That is the perfect time for her to go down there. Her cousins will be off from school and she will be able to see what is going on with my folks. Maybe help them sort through some things to make life easier. I would much rather have her go down there for Thanksgiving and be home for Christmas. That way Allen and I will just go out for Thanksgiving and treat ourselves to a nice dinner where no one has to cook, and we can be waited on. Crystalyn would leave the day after Eric does. Then my other son Allen jr should be coming home sometime around Christmas (but those plans are not definite yet).

***Allen has been working on old lawnmower motors and fixing up our grill and fiddling around with the yard and all.

***Believe it or not – we still have not uploaded any pics from Crystalyn’s birthday, or the pumpkin carving, or anything else that has been happening…just no energy right now to do it…but hopefully once things settle down I will get things uploaded and then show you all. Crystalyn’s senior portrait should be here soon because the charge to my bank arrive late last week…and I also had to send in a payment for her class picture..it is done in panoramic. Her class has 800 students….Geez…my graduating class had 126..and we thought that was big.

***I have been working on some art….just trying out different mediums and such – did I tell you all yet that I have an art blog? Well I do. It is on blogspot. If you want to check it out for yourself here is the link: Finding Myself! Right now I only have the digital paintings I have been working on and my scrap booking pages, but I will be posting my mixed media soon..just have to find the time to get organized. It is so hard when you are chronically depressed and you try to focus your energy on positive things. Seems like any effort is a major hurdle and zaps the energy right out of me. Slowly I am getting there. Have I mentioned yet that Allen went to a yard sale and saw this sort of table that has two draws and got it for me…the top has to be replaced but it is for me to use as a craft table. I am so EXCITED….it has a heavy metal frame and painted red…we are going to put a bigger top on it (thicker too) and decorate the top, maybe by painting it or by putting a collage on it and then seal it. It will take some time, but it is a fun project to do. We have been making A LOT of beef jerky and banana chips and dehydrated pumpkin seeds. We are already preparing a care package for Eric…if anyone has any ideas that are unique and or fun, let me know. Just so you know we have already written down snacks he likes and he said forget about toiletries because the army provides what he needs, but I would love to send him packages of fun stuff and munchies and surprises to pass the time for him, something that he can look forward to.

***We had a bit of a scare here – my daughter has a dog named Thor…he is a rottie…truly a sweetie but will not allow anyone not in the family around her. He will tear them up. (This has happened on several occasions). Well she noticed that he had gotten up and there was a puddle of blood. Then noticed that he could not pee. She noticed this on a Saturday night and the vet is closed and closed on Sunday. So on a Monday morning she called the vet and got an appointment for him. To make a long story short…he broke the bone around his urethra…they said probably when he tried to mate with one of our females..(see what happens when a guy does not keep it in his pants—just kidding)..my daughter was so scared he was going to die…and she was so terrified when they had to put a muzzle on him…he has never been confined that way. WELL the good news is after they called some specialists…the vet decided to put him on steroids for three weeks and the scar tissue would heal the bone fracture..like growing a bone. I am happy to announce Thor is back to his sweet self and just loving on Crystalyn as always. Thor will be getting fixed VERY SOON so that he does not have those “urges” and will not re injure himself. Crystalyn received a hand written note from the doctor asking about Thor and how things are going. God Bless that Vet – I do not know of too many vets that actually do that. So she just thought that was too cool. Then she received another letter but this one had a card in it…it is an ID card for Thor. It has all his shot info on it and who his owner is and who his vet is and you can go online you can check out his info with his special code. It is too cute. It cost over 250 dollars for Thor but to see my daughter happy again and Thor back to normal is so worth every penny. That is her buddy. She has another dog named LilBit. He is the smallest one we have. He thinks he is king and she has spoiled him rotten that he believes what she has belongs to him. He is her shadow. He loves to play with her and share her food and sleep next to her when she is on the computer. He is just too much…makes me laugh because of his lil antics. Allen and I call him Gremlin because his ears look like the gremlin ears from the movie. LOL.

Well I think I have caught you all up on the top issues..hopefully I will be back sooner then later.

Before I forget--here is a "positive" blinkie for ya!

 

 

Remember to HUG those you LOVE because life is just too short!

PEACE!!!

Tags: blogplugs, army, son, art, Japan, family, crafts, dog, vet

WOW--SHE IS 18

 

 

I should have entered this yesterday---but storms and heavy downpours of rain prevented me from getting online....it has been that way pretty much since the weekend...LOTS AND LOTS of rain....they say we need to fill the aquaduct because now there have been nightly news reports of sinkholes happening all over....but rain seems to just add a dismal feeling to the air---and not being able to get online to pass the time adds a gloom....::sniff sniff::

If you want to see the entry I did of her birthday last year just click here-->17 YEARS OLD.

 

So my BEAUTIFUL daughter has turned the BIG AND OFFICIAL 18 YEARS OLD.

All I can say is WOW-WOW-WOW-WOW!!!!

With every day that passes-she still amazes me....She has a wonderful and crazy sense of humor....so very creative....so compassionate....so loyal.....so open minded...I am amazed and proud of the woman she has become...I could not ask for better--She has such dreams, so many things she wants to do and explore...I just know that with her determination-she will succeed at anything she sets her mind to.

I decided to show a couple of pics....the first one is of my grandmother--Crystalyn's great grandmother holding both Crystalyn and Joshua for the first time...my grandmother was 90 at that time...Crystalyn and Joshua had been home from the hospital maybe a week at themost...here they only weigh 4 pounds each...they are dressed in Premie cabbage patch doll outfits that every time you picked them up the clothes would fall right off....now that was crazy to handle...

 

 

This is Crystalyn now....ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL and just the APPLE OF MY EYE...truly I never thought this day would come....it has been a WONDERFUL 18 years...full of everything that life has to offer....I so look forward to more!!!

 

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CRYSTALYN ROSE....I LOVE YOU MORE THEN YOU WILL EVER KNOW!!!

YOU ARE THE REASON I WAS BORN!

I WISH YOU ENOUGH ALWAYS!!!!

 

Remember to hug those you LOVE.....PEACE!!!

 

Tags: birthday tribute, daughter, birthday,

FIGHTING THE DEMONS AND LOSING

 

 

Have I mentioned anytime recently that the demons are fighting back bigger than ever....usually I do not like starting an entry on a downer---people do not like reading journals that are downers...but I am TRULY too tired emotionally and physically to fight the urge not to write about it....I know my entries are sporadic....I usually do not write when the "demons" are going strong....but it has reached a point that I am losing now...I have been fighting for 7 years this damn disease and the affects of the medications and giving up the life I once had....been fighting daily the battles....but I am no longer winning.

 

I seem to have more things to worry about and I am tired of that too---I have noticed that this bulge has appeared on my stomach---it is the size of a cantaloupe and hurts to be touched...the only time I am aware of it is when I cough or someone touches it....scares the life out of me...nothing I can do about it...but that is another story.....and now my kidneys feel like they have been through a 15 round fight and I lost....my back is killing me...I actually surprised my hunnie and daughter a couple of days ago and said LET'S GO OUT AND EAT....they were so happy I wanted out of the house...so we went to Denny's I ordered a steak dinner---so delicious....but after about 45 minutes of being there...my back was screaming to get out of there....tears just started streaming down my face....my daughter helped me out to the car and there I stayed....I told Allen to take his time finishing up....the car seats help alleviate some of the pain--so I was ok. Well yesterday I again told them that I wanted to go out....to our favorite Chinese restaurant....but after eating for about 20 minutes FORGET IT--I had to go back and sit in the car....the pain was unreal. Once everyone was done eating and we got home---I just cried for the rest of the night.....I thought I had hit a mile stone because-Finally my head was ok to go out and but now my back is not going for it....believe it or not it just SCARES the HELL out of me....I know that Allen is sick and tired of all this.....he has become extremely irritated by it all....I am sure he feels helpless...but in his frustration--I am alone...now who do I turn to? The doctor I have for my lungs is sweetheart...and at the beginning of our long "relationship" with my illness...he was very understanding and took care of whatever my body was going through---but something has happened...because he is NO LONGER doing that....he actually made me feel stupid when I asked him about Klonopin which is what I was taking to take the edge off the anxiety so that I can get out without freaking.....he said FORGET IT...he does not involve himself in other issues...(news to me)...for the first time...I truly felt hurt by him because for the last 7 years he has helped me through everything...As a matter of fact I did have an appointment with him a week ago...but I cancelled it and rescheduled...WHY BOTHER GOING???? I am just going to be given the SAME DAMN MEDS as I have been taking for the last 7 years...7 years of prednisone...which helps me breathe but kills the rest of your body organs, adavair (another steroid) that helps me to breathe but also kills vital healthy cells and the list goes on.....and going - there is no use in trying to tell him how I feel because nothing will change....the lower back problem - I will be told - is not an issue for him.....well maybe it is because of all the steroids I take....but I guess he does not see it that way.

 

Again--I am freaking crying because I am LOST....and so very fed up with being sick.....I HATE IT!!!! I want my old body and my old life back!!!! My back is not working....my legs are not working, my head seems to leading it's own rampage, my skin looks like I have been through a war zone (sores and boils everywhere)--then my family looks at me and wonders why the HELL am I depressed...GEEEEZZZ!!!

Well I am making myself sick just writing all this---but I had to get it out--this is my last refuge...I have no friends here in my real life---just my hunnie and daughter--and they are tired of it all....life is not easy when you are around me...I will return with what is going on otherwise later---just gotta go for now.

Remember to HUG those you LOVE!!!

PEACE!!!

 

Tags: blogplugs, demons, depression, COPD, illness, medicines

IT HAS BEEN SIX YEARS

It has been Six Years .... to me it seems like yesterday...Words still cannot express what I was thinking at the time I saw the towers get hit....words still escape me...Here is my lil tribute to that horrific day...Say a prayer for all those that perished...for those that tried to rescue, for all that have been affected by such insanity....Pray for those that are still suffering and fighting for our freedom to NOT fear.

TWO THOUSAND ONE, NINE ELEVEN (2001-911)

  Two thousand one, nine eleven
  Three thousand plus arrive in heaven
  As they pass through the gate,
  Thousands more appear in wait
  A bearded man with stovepipe hat
  Steps forward saying, "Lets sit, lets chat"

  They settle down in seats of clouds
  A man named Martin shouts out proud
  "I have a dream!" and once he did
  The Newcomer said, "Your dream still lives."

  Groups of soldiers in blue and gray
  Others in khaki, and green then say
  "We're from Bull Run, Yorktown, the Maine"
  The Newcomer said, "You died not in vain."

  From a man on sticks one could hear
  "The only thing we have to fear.
  The Newcomer said, "We know the rest,
  Trust us sir, we've passed that test."

  "Courage doesn't hide in caves
  You can't bury freedom, in a grave,"
  The Newcomers had heard this voice before
  A distinct Yankees twang from Hyannisport shores

  A silence fell within the mist
  Somehow the Newcomer knew that this
  Meant time had come for her to say
  What was in the hearts of the five thousand plus that day

  "Back on Earth, we wrote reports,
  Watched our children play in sports
  Worked our gardens, sang our songs
  Went to church and clipped coupons
  We smiled, we laughed, we cried, we fought
  Unlike you, great we're not"

  The tall man in the stovepipe hat
  Stood and said, "Don't talk like that!
  Look at your country, look and see
  You died for freedom, just like me"

  Then, before them all appeared a scene
  Of rumbled streets and twisted beams
  Death, destruction, smoke and dust
  And people working just 'cause they must

  Hauling ash, lifting stones,
  Knee deep in hell, but not alone
  "Look! Blackman, Whiteman, Brownman, Yellowman
  Side by side helping their fellow man!"

  So said Martin, as he watched the scene
  "Even from nightmares, can be born a dream."

  Down below three firemen raised
  The colors high into ashen haze
  The soldiers above had seen it before
  On Iwo Jima back in '45

  The man on sticks studied everything closely
  Then shared his perceptions on what he saw mostly
  "I see pain, I see tears,
  I see sorrow -- but I don't see fear."

  "You left behind husbands and wives
  Daughters and sons and so many lives
  Are suffering now because of this wrong
  But look very closely. You're not really gone.

  All of those people, even those who've never met you
  All of their lives, they'll never forget you
  Don't you see what has happened?
  Don't you see what you've done?
  You've brought them together, together as one.

  With that the man in the stovepipe hat said
  "Take my hand," and from there he led
  Three thousand plus heroes, Newcomers to heaven
  On this day, two thousand one, nine eleven

  Author UNKNOWN

 

 

 

WE ARE ONE

 

As the soot and dirt and ash rained down,
We became one color.
As we carried each other down the stairs
of the burning building,
We became one class.
As we lit candles of waiting and hope,
We became one generation.
As the firefighters and police officers
fought their way into the inferno,
We became one gender.
As we fell to our knees
in prayer for strength,
We became one faith.
As we whispered or shouted
words of encouragement,
We spoke one language.
As we gave our blood
in lines a mile long,
We became one body.
As we mourned together the great loss,
We became one family.
As we cried tears of grief and loss,
We became one soul.
As we retell with pride
the sacrifice of heroes,
We become one people.
"We Are"
One color
One class
One generation
One gender
One faith
One language
One body
One family
One soul
One people
We are the Power of One.
We are United.
We are America.
~By Dr. Cheryl Sawyer~

 

 

 

AMERICAN SPIRIT

 

On September 11, thousands of
Americans lost their lives to a
senseless and cowardly act of terrorism
and an entire nation mourned.

However, these terrorists
knew nothing about the
American spirit.

They greatly underestimated our
strength, resolve, and bravery.

We've met with disaster,
but we've come together in the midst
of adversity and found strength
through one another.

We refuse to be beaten, bullied,
or weakened by terrorists.

And we are far from helpless.

We will stand together through
this crisis, and we will heal.

We will raise our flag
and let it fly high and victorious
beneath the stars.

And we will emerge stronger
than ever before,
united through our pride,
our compassion,
and our faith in God.

 

 

 

Tags: blogplugs, 911, memorial, tribute, always remember

WEEKEND OF THE BUGGY

The wayward son is home....Lord Have Mercy--it is GREAT  to see him...just hugging him knowing he is good and all is well (seeing it for myself) brings a lot of relief to my mind. I was so HAPPY he was home I actually WENT OUTSIDE..sat under a tree with Allen and Crystalyn and watched Eric ride our mud buggy...it is actually a dune buggy but of course if there is mud to be found--all of us enjoy going through mud...must be a southern thing...LOL.

So of course I took a TON of pics....picked out the ones I thought were fun and put them together for you all to check out....Eric's best friend came by also and hung out for a while...William lives a few houses down the road...they have known each other since they were 9 years old....William is like another son....I think growing up he spent more time with us then he did with his own family...I know he spent the majority of the holidays with us...Saturday night he and Eric went racing....in Eric's race he was run off the course by another car...(sniff sniff) so he did not win....but William won his race...Allen went to go watch them...he said it was wild...I just cannot watch...too worried about someone getting hurt.

Tonight I think Eric wants to go out and Eat at a place called Whistle Junction...I am NOT going...I spent an hour and half outside yesterday and today my body just hurts way too much and I am so drained....it bothers me that my body will not cooperate but I just cannot take the pain today....but I am sending the camera along with them...hopefully they will get some fun pics. Enjoy the picture show...Hope everyone has been having a FANTASTIC weekend...
Before I forget---Here is YOUR POSITIVE MESSAGE:

Remember to HUG those you LOVE--time is so short!
PEACE!!!

Tags: son, best friend, daughter, hunnie, pictures, racing

BE POSITIVE MESSAGE AND FORUM

I HAVE DECIDED--to try and start a new trend here in J-land....so of course I need everyone's help in doing so...here is my idea...I think everyone should at least once a week....or perhaps every time they do an entry (but that may be asking too much) to jot down a positive quote and/or display a positive graphic/blinkie/avatar whatever in their entry...maybe calling it Positive Words of Wisdom or a Positive Moment--whatever....I think with all the craziness going on in today's world, friends here in J-land being sick, sadness hitting lives of those we care about...I think we could all use a positive word of encouragement...or a picture to bring a smile to someone else's face...I just think it would be nice....WHAT DO YOU ALL THINK? ... Would anyone else like to jump on the band wagon? Would you pass along this message? Let me know what you really think of the idea....
The reason for me coming up with this is because my 4th Anniversary of journaling in AOL has arrived...and looking back on the past years and thinking about all the people that I have met and have come and gone...I just thought of stepping by J-land by bringing out the positive in everyone...I know that some entries of mine have been down and out...but at least at the end of my entry..would be a positive note!!! You know what I mean?

Here is my positive blinkie for today...

Anyway---Here are a few blinkies I made claiming to be positive...save to your own hard drive if you want one....:

 

 

Okay--the next thing I have been neglecting to mention is my forum...people have been stopping by on and off...BUT I so encourage you all to come join me there...every day I have been adding content to it....There are a couple of new sections also...one for pets (thanks Lori) one for wallpapers for your desktop, and one for amazing photos...if anyone has any other suggestions I am more then open to them...this forum is not a group...there is nothing mandatory about it...it is just a place to go to share recipes, graphics, hobbies, all kinds of lil stuffies...the only reason you join it--so that you can post to the forum--add your own stuffies to share...and when you do that you receive points towards surprises .... ****LORI--get in touch with me for your surprises****

Anyway...I so hope you will check it out for yourself...just click on the graphic to go to it....

 

 

My wayward son, Eric,  left arizona around 6 by plane this evening and should arrive at Tampa International 9:30 tomorrow morning....yes I know that is all night long...it was the only flight we could get him....so we are all excited he will be home--only for 48 hours but that is a HUGE blessing for us...I will spend every minute enjoying his laughter, jokes, stories until he has to leave again...and again through the tears...I will say good bye!

I wish you all a HAPPY SATURDAY...remember to HUG those you LOVE!!

PEACE!!

Tags: positive message, This and That Forum, Forum, Son, journal anniversary, 4 year anniversary, blogplugs

A NEW GRANDBABY

As you may or may not know....I was married before I ever met Allen...It was 17 years ago....to Crystalyn's biological father...I knew the day I was marrying him it was probably a mistake...but I thought it was the right thing to do...BOY WHAT A MISTAKE....however--my ex came with 3 kids from his first marriage...at the time they were 6yrs old 5 yrs old and 4yrs old...I so loved being a mom...and when I had the twins...they so loved being siblings of twins and just having the babies around...really good kids....no complaints from me...HOWEVER...when my ex and I parted ways...his kids went with him...of course he had nothing nice to say about me to them...made up ALOT of stories but that is neither here nor there....slowly they have been in touch through out the last several years...the oldest (who is now 25) even came down to visit twice, especially to see Crystalyn...that is his sweet pea and he is her bubba... Well Sarah has always been in touch....she has a lil girl....Jazzmyne...a cutie patootie....as far as the kids are concerned----I am the one and only mom they have ever known...so with their kids I am the grandmom....I love it...it is so sweet to hear those words....and it is sweet to be in touch with my kids...well the eldest just had a baby girl....her name is Serenity...and I was given some pics so I thought I would share them here....I am a grandmom again...now how cool is that!!!!!

OH BY THE WAY....I think aol journals went down yesterday....because my daughter did not get an alert about me updating my journal...you may want to read yesterday's entry about FIRE AND WATER....I am still not over it!!!

 

So Here is the lil cutie----SERENITY

 

 

 

Thanks for looking...Remember to HUG those you LOVE...Time is so short!!!

PEACE!!!!!

 

Tags: GRANDBABY, SERENITY, EX