Do you know how devastating it is to be so severely depressed that you cannot even function in every day activities? That the things you once enjoyed and loved and found so much joy in just seems like such a chore now.
I realize that probably after this entry....not many people will continue to drop by my journal (my apologies now) because it seems every time I talk about this...people disappear...yes I know people have their own lives and their own problems....BUT when you are depressed and DO NOT have a circle of support of friends and family...it just makes things look so much more dismal.
And looking at things as dismal or feeling things are dismal is so very easy for someone who is depressed.
I really thought that the stigma that was associated with any kind of mental illness was in the past but I am so wrong. When people cannot see something physically deforming about a person...believing they are sick is extremely difficult. I have spent TOO MANY DAYS...WEEKS...crying and screaming for someone to put me out of my misery because I just cannot stand to be the person I am right now.
I have tried with every fiber in my being to think positive...to pray that this would disappear...but NOTHING!!!
I have had some good days....and those days feel wonderful...but I just cannot for the life of me keep those days coming...the confusion and fog in my head and all the negative thoughts in my head are overwhelming most of the time.
Well now you know why I have not been around lately...it has been HELL to be me lately.
OKAY NOW....the latest update is that I did manage to go a my lung specialist appointment...now that is a whole other struggle....going out scares the _ _ _ _ out of me...but I did it. I have had this doctor since the beginning of my physical illness. I have built a certain trust up in him so I am sticking to him...he has not stirred me wrong yet.....now this last visit was different in a way...I did not realize it but my doc has a daughter who is a Physician's Assistant...so now she has joined his practice...he is a tall man...about 6 foot and an inch or two...she is tiny...maybe 5 feet tall if that....super nice...like her....she talks to you not at you which is something I look for in doctors....had the usual PFT test (pulmonary function test) guess the old lungs are not getting any better..oh well what else is new (my sarcastic lil self coming out)....they must be getting worse...because now the doctor ordered a sleep test...I would have to spend two days in the hospital with machines hooked up to me to see how many times I stop breathing in my sleep...how many times my heart starts acting up ....among other things...well I just listened to the doc, took the orders he wrote on paper (because I am the one who would have to mail them to WC) but after thinking about it........there is NO WAY IN HELL I am going into the hospital...I cannot even step out my front door on most days...there is NO WAY I can actually stay in the hospital for two days away from everything that brings me comfort. That would definitely put me over the edge that I am walking right now. Just to make my visit a bit more overwhelming, he informed me that he is moving his practice full time to Deland...which is a town almost an hour and a half away from me....now he is just about 25 minutes at the most from me...he assumed that I would look for another doctor closer to home....when I told him NO...I wanted to keep him...he was quite pleased...and so am I.
I still have not found another psych doctor to go to....at this point I am too afraid to find one for fear of what they might say....it really is quite difficult to find any good psych docs under WC...and my trust in them is not the best.
OKAY....for mother's day I got a $50 dollar walmart gift card....from me...actually I belong to a thing called mypoints...they send you mail with offers...you never have to take the offers...you just click on the link that you read the email and you get 5-10 points...well I accumulated almost 8000 points and turned them in for a walmart gift card...too cool...so I found a zen mp3 on sale at walmart online...already had credit with them..so I ordered one for me...my daughter has the 1 gig zen....but the 2 gig was on sale cheaper then what my parents paid for my daughter's...so I ordered it...it is the tiniest little thing....can hold thousands of pictures....5000 songs...has a cd player recorder, fm radio...and a few other lil special features...I am excited...and walmart online is having their 97cent shipping special so that saves a bundle...so an mp3 that costs usually $140 I paid out of pocket $30....not bad if I say so myself. It should arrive in less then a week!!!
Well that is all the news that is fit to print.... hope I did not bring you all down...but my journal is best place for me to vent.
Have a GREAT weekend!!! Remember to HUG THOSE YOU LOVE.....PEACE!!!
