Friday, May 18, 2007

STRUGGLING

 
Do you know how devastating it is to be so severely depressed that you cannot even function in every day activities? That the things you once enjoyed and loved and found so much joy in just seems like such a chore now.
I realize that probably after this entry....not many people will continue to drop by my journal (my apologies now) because it seems every time I talk about this...people disappear...yes I know people have their own lives and their own problems....BUT when you are depressed and DO NOT have a circle of support of friends and family...it just makes things look so much more dismal.
And looking at things as dismal or feeling things are dismal is so very easy for someone who is depressed.
I really thought that the stigma that was associated with any kind of mental illness was in the past but I am so wrong. When people cannot see something physically deforming about a person...believing they are sick is extremely difficult. I have spent TOO MANY DAYS...WEEKS...crying and screaming for someone to put me out of my misery because I just cannot stand to be the person I am right now.
I have tried with every fiber in my being to think positive...to pray that this would disappear...but NOTHING!!!
 
I have had some good days....and those days feel wonderful...but I just cannot for the life of me keep those days coming...the confusion and fog in my head and all the negative thoughts in my head are overwhelming most of the time.
Well now you know why I have not been around lately...it has been HELL to be me lately.
OKAY NOW....the latest update is that I did manage to go a my lung specialist appointment...now that is a whole other struggle....going out scares the _ _ _ _ out of me...but I did it. I have had this doctor since the beginning of my physical illness. I have built a certain trust up in him so I am sticking to him...he has not stirred me wrong yet.....now this last visit was different in a way...I did not realize it but my doc has a daughter who is a Physician's Assistant...so now she has joined his practice...he is a tall man...about 6 foot and an inch or two...she is tiny...maybe 5 feet tall if that....super nice...like her....she talks to you not at you which is something I look for in doctors....had the usual PFT test (pulmonary function test) guess the old lungs are not getting any better..oh well what else is new (my sarcastic lil self coming out)....they must be getting worse...because now the doctor ordered a sleep test...I would have to spend two days in the hospital with machines hooked up to me to see how many times I stop breathing in my sleep...how many times my heart starts acting up ....among other things...well I just listened to the doc, took the orders he wrote on paper (because I am the one who would have to mail them to WC) but after thinking about it........there is NO WAY IN HELL I am going into the hospital...I cannot even step out my front door on most days...there is NO WAY I can actually stay in the hospital for two days away from everything that brings me comfort. That would definitely put me over the edge that I am walking right now. Just to make my visit a bit more overwhelming, he informed me that he is moving his practice full time to Deland...which is a town almost an hour and a half away from me....now he is just about 25 minutes at the most from me...he assumed that I would look for another doctor closer to home....when I told him NO...I wanted to keep him...he was quite pleased...and so am I.
I still have not found another psych doctor to go to....at this point I am too afraid to find one for fear of what they might say....it really is quite difficult to find any good psych docs under WC...and my trust in them is not the best.
OKAY....for mother's day I got a $50 dollar walmart gift card....from me...actually I belong to a thing called mypoints...they send you mail with offers...you never have to take the offers...you just click on the link that you read the email and you get 5-10 points...well I accumulated almost 8000 points and turned them in for a walmart gift card...too cool...so I found a zen mp3 on sale at walmart online...already had credit with them..so I ordered one for me...my daughter has the 1 gig zen....but the 2 gig was on sale cheaper then what my parents paid for my daughter's...so I ordered it...it is the tiniest little thing....can hold thousands of pictures....5000 songs...has a cd player recorder, fm radio...and a few other lil special features...I am excited...and walmart online is having their 97cent shipping special so that saves a bundle...so an mp3 that costs usually $140 I paid out of pocket $30....not bad if I say so myself. It should arrive in less then a week!!!
Well that is all the news that is fit to print.... hope I did not bring you all down...but my journal is best place for me to vent.
Have a GREAT weekend!!! Remember to HUG THOSE YOU LOVE.....PEACE!!!

13 comments:

coopsbaby said...

HI, YES I CAN FEEL YOUR PAIN, I TO AM SUFFERING FROMDEPRESSION,THEY JUST TOLD ME THAT MINE IS BIPOLAR, WHICH IS THE DEEP DARK TYPE, SO WHAT ITS NOTHING I DIDINT KNOW ,THE ONE THING THAT CHEERS ME UP IS MY GRAND KIDS , THEY ARE MY REASON FOR LIVING SO I TRY TO SPEND EVERYDAY WITH THEM, HOPE YOU CAN FIND SOMETHING THAT WILL HELP YOU CHANNEL YOUR DEPRESSION ON  HUGS TO YOU HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND, DEANNA
http://journals.aol.com/coopsbaby/the-right-to-die/
STOP ON BY I JUST ADDED A WHOLE SECTION ON BIPOLAR YOU MIGHT LIKE

seraphoflove9001 said...

I won't stop coming by your journal....thats what a journal is for. Writing down your feelings. You should see what I wrote in mine last night! I'm here for you if you need someone to talk to. I understand what you're going through. I've been there too. Sending good vibes to you, and in my prayers Ellie! :o)
Many hugs to you.
Lisa

drb1064 said...

Not going anywhere Ellie depression is so hard to cope with no one can understand unless they have been there, I have and am still trying to find a way out.
Debbie
xxx

ukgal36 said...

I am sorry that you feel the way you do.. I do not suffer from depression but have had the occasional "blue" spell that i have been unable to shake and i found it hard to bear.. i can't even to begin to imagine how it must be to feel like that day in and day out...i hope that you will find a way to cope with this and ultimately a cure...
Lyn

emabecmar said...

I don't and won't try to imagine how you are feeling, but I am here if you ever want to talk, vent. I don't think I am depressed. My daughter who suffers from depression since the death of her son in 1998, says I am depressed. I tell her I am not, I just live in fear think ing my cancer will return and I won't be as lucky with it as I was this last time. Keep praying and writing, it does help. ((((((hugs)))))
Cindy

ddcfranks3 said...

Hi Ellie

I have been reading your blog for over a year now and you know what?  You are entitled to write when you can and about what you want!  The purpose of your blog is to vent your thoughts, the happenings of your life and what ever else suits your fancy. Its yours and yours only, no one else HAS to approve or disapprove of what you write.
 
Just keep writing Ellie, a pen and paper are your best friends, they are non-judgemental and never ever talk back. Its your release and an emotional shoulder when you need it. So don't let other people's opinions (negative) bother you, if they don't like it, then they don't have to visit any more!

Take care my cyberfriend, your a treasure.
ddcfranks

my78novata said...

you need to vent here. It is VERY frustrating to wnat to do and not be able. I watch vern this old guy whos mind is still young but his body he is trapped in a chair with shakes and not able to do and his elderly wife has todo for him. its so hard to watch and Im can imagine how you feel. I hate even the two days a motnh when my cycle wont let me do things YOU are living that almost daily. {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}} too you and I Hope it gets better soon

tendernoggle said...

Ellie, I have been reading your journal for a long time now and i can honestly say that it seems like you have come a long way...I think youmay not be able to see it, but we can...You are doig good and this journal is where you can say what you want to...It is YOURS,....We are only guests here...
Take care,
love ya,
carlene

mmartinez07 said...

Oh Ellie, how I wish I could reach out to you, hug you, hug you some more, and just cry with you. Sweetie, I know exactly what you're going through. Depression is a demon that has taken over my mind, my body and my life. Every minute of every day is a struggle for me. My life is passing me by and that just makes me even more depressed. It's like I have my own little gray cloud that swallows my head and makes it impossible for me to function. Even my memory has been failing me. I haven't been able to make an entry in my journal because I'm afraid that once I start typing, I won't be able to stop and I'll have to face and deal with my pain. The thought of having another breakdown terrifies me because I don't want to leave my children. They are all I live for. Please know that I'm here if you need to talk, be it email or telephone.

Huggies,
Mandy

joy4eh72 said...

Ellie Sweety...  you are not alone ok..  i know first hand what you are saying and i for one..  am not going to leave you just because you are in this state of mind. i have been reading your journal for a long long time...  i know you are in my group...  but, unfortunately, i am horrible at sending comments on people/friends blogs...  BUT, i really wanted you to know.. that i do understand..  and i am here with you..  if you need to talk..  you know how to find me..  i am always ready to listen..  it helps to know you aren't alone in somehting.. i know...  you keep on though ok...  there are people who do DO care for you..  face to face and not face to face... you are so loved!!!  i know it is so hard to get that happy feeling in that dismal mind set...  but, you are doing the right thing by talking about it..  not holding it in.  just let it out. that is the best thing to do...  even if it helps an incling..   know that you are cared about ok!!!   and those of us that really do care for you on line and are your friend..  we will not go anywhere ok!!!  if you need to talk..  i'm here..  big gentle hugs to you...  Joy4EH

mynamebecj said...

Dearest Ellie, I wish with all my being that I could reach out and hold you in a great big hug.  I won't say that I know how you are feeling as I don't believe I've been there.  But I will say that never would I leave you because of how you are feeling.  You can't get rid of me that easy dear.  I pray for you daily and will continue to do so.  
As for the sleep test, I've never heard of them keeping anyone for two nights for it, and when I had mine it was in the comfort of my own bed.  Surely they have the same thing available there, it was a small box thing with a wire connected to a thingy I wore on my finger for the night.  It recorded all that stuff, I stopped breathing over 200 times during that 5 hour period, the longest i stopped breathing for was 3 minutes.  I now sleep with a mask hooked to a CPAP every night.  Be sure and speak with your doctor and ask if they can't do the at home testing instead.  If there is a chance you have apnea then you need to be treated for such, but since going out is a real difficulty for you they need to arrange for the home testing.
I love you dear twin!!!  Even tho you don't hear from me as often as you should I am still here for you.
CJ

marilynwings said...

Ellie,

First of all there's no way that I'll ever stop being your friend! We've been together for so long that I don't plan on leaving anytime soon. So you never have to worry about that. I'm so sorry that you're having a rough time right now. I was struggling with something at work this last month, but I finally spoke up and stepped out of where I was working. Told them that I would like to go back as Cashier and Service Desk. But that I only wanted to work days! Once they told me OK it was like a told weight had been lifted of my shoulders.

Come on girl, let's get on with our new project and start having some fun again.

Marilyn

csandhollow said...

I do my points too! Gota $50 card coming too! LOL
Just hugs to you hun.