It is my turn to rant and rave....so if you do not want to see this side of me...please do not read any further...You Have Been Warned.
For the past couple of days- I really have struggled with myself emotionally. The bottom line is that I am sick and tired of being SICK AND TIRED. I am totally fustrated with walking across my house and being totally out of breath. I am tired of sitting every few feet because I cannot breathe. I am tired that when I go to stores if there are no electric carts or we did not bring my wheelchair then I cannot go in because I will never last past the first two minutes. I am so ANGRY at my Ex-employee (the state) because they allowed the black mold to grow and kept covering it with paint only to make so many people sick. I am so ANGRY that the black mold has destroyed my lungs so much that I am no longer the person I used to be. It has gotten to the point where I am tired of being me. PLEASE do not think this is a pity party...far from it...I need to vent and rant and work through all this because it is eating me up.I am on 14 different medications a day for the rest of my very shortened life. I always have to be on oxygen whenever I am not eating or outside. I am tired of not being the person I used to be.
There are times I really wonder WHY the hell my hunnie sticks around...I am of no use to him...I can barely take care of myself. I cannot even walk into the kitchen and get myself a drink because I run out of breath. I am stressed to the hilt and cannot snap out of it. I am tired of the pain, the swollen legs, the swollen joints, the stiffness, the out of control weight gain because of the meds, the skin conditions that have arisen due to the meds. My list could go on forever...I am just TIRED.
I either sleep 20 out of 24 hours a day or I only sleep 2 to 3 hours in a 3 day span. All I have done for the last two days is CRY. Yes darn it cry. I am tired of that too. Crying does not solve anything but emotionally I am drained and have nothing left to fight with.
I do not expect any one to understand...I just want me to understand. I even go see a psychiatrist because learning that you have a terminal illness does not go over easy. Learning that you will never be who you want or do what you want is not easy to live with. But I find that the psychiatrist (who also put me on meds for severe depression) just wants me to know that the meds will help....GEEEEEEZ!!
My memory is shot...I cannot remember most things for the life of me. If I do not write everything down then sure enough it will be lost in my thoughts. I am tired of living like a hermit but have no choice in the matter. I am tired of being careful not to bring it up about being sick too much because NO ONE wants to hear it...people in general do not want to deal with someone who will not be around or that are so sick that the sickness is such a huge part of their lives.
I do not go out to stores and such (VERY VERY RARELY) because I do not want to see the look in other people's eyes when they see me. It is so DEVASTATING.
I AM JUST TIRED!!!