Sunday, November 14, 2004


It is my turn to rant and if you do not want to see this side of me...please do not read any further...You Have Been Warned.



For the past couple of days- I really have struggled with myself emotionally. The bottom line is that I am sick and tired of being SICK AND TIRED. I am totally fustrated with walking across my house and being totally out of breath. I am tired of sitting every few feet because I cannot breathe. I am tired that when I go to stores if there are no electric carts or we did not bring my wheelchair then I cannot go in because I will never last past the first two minutes. I am so ANGRY at my Ex-employee (the state) because they allowed the black mold to grow and kept covering it with paint only to make so many people sick. I am so ANGRY that the black mold has destroyed my lungs so much that I am no longer the person I used to be. It has gotten to the point where I am tired of being me. PLEASE do not think this is a pity party...far from it...I need to vent and rant and work through all this because it is eating me up.I am on 14 different medications a day for the rest of my very shortened life. I always have to be on oxygen whenever I am not eating or outside. I am tired of not being the person I used to be.

There are times I really wonder WHY the hell my hunnie sticks around...I am of no use to him...I can barely take care of myself. I cannot even walk into the kitchen and get myself a drink because I run out of breath. I am stressed to the hilt and cannot snap out of it. I am tired of the pain, the swollen legs, the swollen joints, the stiffness, the out of control weight gain because of the meds, the skin conditions that have arisen due to the meds. My list could go on forever...I am just TIRED.

I either sleep 20 out of 24 hours a day or I only sleep 2 to 3 hours in a 3 day span. All I have done for the last two days is CRY. Yes darn it cry. I am tired of that too. Crying does not solve anything but emotionally I am drained and have nothing left to fight with.

I do not expect any one to understand...I just want me to understand. I even go see a psychiatrist because learning that you have a terminal illness does not go over easy. Learning that you will never be who you want or do what you want is not easy to live with. But I find that the psychiatrist (who also put me on meds for severe depression) just wants me to know that the meds will help....GEEEEEEZ!!

My memory is shot...I cannot remember most things for the life of me. If I do not write everything down then sure enough it will be lost in my thoughts. I am tired of living like a hermit but have no choice in the matter. I am tired of being careful not to bring it up about being sick too much because NO ONE wants to hear it...people in general do not want to deal with someone who will not be around or that are so sick that the sickness is such a huge part of their lives.

I do not go out to stores and such (VERY VERY RARELY) because I do not want to see the look in other people's eyes when they see me. It is so DEVASTATING.



derasta said...

I'm so sorry you are going thru this...I'm glad you are writing it all down and venting and getting it's best to do that and not keep it bottled up inside of thoughts and prayers are with you!

barebytes said...

Get it off your chest and out of your mind. Life's greatest test is being able to just "deal" with life. You are doing great, don't give up or in. Big Hugs, Lanny

sonensmilinmon said...

Whew that is a LOT to deal with.  What happened with the work and the black mold?  Has that ever been cleared and taken care of so others won't be getting sick too? Ellie, I wish I could say something that would make you feel better but, I'm truly at a loss of words.  I guess the only thing I can truly say is I'm here, I have ears, I have broad shoulders and I'm willing to listen, I'm willing to let you use my shoulders.  I'm here for you.  I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts.


tendernoggle said...

HI Ellie,
This is my first time reading your journal, and it was so interesting I have spent my night  just going back and reading all your entries! The one about he dog dragging you around the house was hillarious!!!lol ( Our chow did that to me once, when I tried to hold her still with her cable chain....she drug me around the back yard and over a low(thankGod)block wall before my nephew finally got hold of her!!!lol)
Anyway,just wanted to let you know, that I am sorry that you are having to go thru all u have to go thru....I too have been so tired and sleepy lately and my legs swelling and feet.......and  just found out last week I have an enlarged heart (heart failure)...was so depressed....but hearing your story let me know that I am not alone....and you are right, people don't want to hear thank you for  putting a voice to some of my troubles... My husband has stenosis of the aortic valve too, so we have alot on us too. Lol, even our cars are dying too, Both of them. SO THANK YOU ELLIE....I DON'T FEEL SO DARN ALONE ANYMORE!

bernmilo said...

wow i know someone else who has this same stuff, from black devastating...are you being compensated for your illness....she is in the beginning stages of being diagnosed and its such a tradgedy...I will pray for you Ellie!

csandhollow said...

I hope you get some peace now. It has always helped to rant. At least when I do it here I do not have to deal with the family. I do not have a terminal illness but I do know depression.

plieck30 said...

Found your journal by way of Carlene. I will be reading more. Sorry you are having such a bad day. I will be praying for you. Paula